The Good 31 Years

[IkuTube]

The Purpose of This Writing

This writing - and I shall confess that it comes with some emotional struggles - is my commitment to reach out to the gay community.  It will be my story.  It is written in memory of Fitz (not his real name). 

It is the space of our contribution; to honor my relationship with him.  This space, after much persuasion from some close friends, is to render support to the community.  To reach out mainly to gay couples (and hopefully to all gays) to share that everything is possible.  Every strain, every burden, every chain and every hurdle retreats.

Here, in this space, I hope to share:

•           How to safeguard shared assets  (about Wills, about Joint Account, about Joint Tenancy, about CPF Nomination, about      Insurance Beneficiary, about Lasting Power of Attorney)
•           How to (hopefully) survive a gay relationship 
•           The pains of grief losing a loved one 
•           Being a primary caregiver to cancer patient.

I hope to share what I am experiencing and learning.  It has, somewhat, impacted my way of life.  Still, this sharing is not the absolute right way nor it is the only utmost course.  This writing is to bring awareness to others as this awareness has served me.  I just want to reach out to those who might be in the need and whom might be in the same path.

 

About Grief

Grief is a process.  I hope, as I am allowing myself to be much exposed here, that it will grant me to heal and reconnect myself with Life.  It is, at the same time, for me to maintain an ongoing connection with Fitz.  It is my process to acknowledge that I am grieving.  This space will probably be my healing ground.

I learn that while the phrase "Letting Go" is so often easy to say, the process in itself is not.  I learn, till anyone truly experienced the impact - the brunt, the shock - of a spousal loss and when the loss is still very much at the height of everything beautiful, that he/she will be able to fully empathize on the process of grief. A loss is a loss but there is variable difference towards grief.  The reactions to a loss are unique and psychological. 

In my life, I have lost a father, a mother, a sister, a nephew and a beloved pet.  I love all these people (including my beloved pet) but, somehow, the grief I experienced from each loss does not level up to a loss of a spouse.  There is huge difference.  There is unexplained uncertainty.  There is unfamiliar fear.

I learn that the only cure for grief is to let myself do my grieving.  While time will heal, it is not that simple in truth.  Time itself does not have any magical healing properties though it allows reality to take place.

It is only when one is in the real experience that understanding evolves. Grief does not recognize deadline.  There is no predictable trajectory in grief.  The ebbs and flows are a landscape with peaks and valleys.  Some days are easier than others.  Some days, it can be riding a roller coaster.  The roads are never a straight line. 

What makes it not easy is the mourning and grieving of the surviving gay partner. 

While I feel lucky that I am able to express and share my grief with family members and with good close friends - straight and gay, I realize it will not be easy for many other 'gay widows' who are not as privileged.  Grief can be a bitch when there is no one out there to understand the real situation.  The real loss.  More so when we are gay and, probably, closeted.  Grieving can be a lonely experience, though in solitude it brings one to surrender and accept. 

Let this space be another avenue to share, to care.  Let it be a space to let grief takes new opportunities to present for another positive moment.  When a chapter in life ends, another begins.  It shall be in our own hands for that possibility to write the new and next wonderful stories.

Thank you for listening. 

Thank you for taking time to read.

 

 

[IkuTube]

Facing The Truth

Today, I am going to pluck up my courage.  I shall confront my soul to have the strength to face my pains.  To deal with my grief.  To start to live again.  To cherish for all the beautiful memories.  It is in writing how I feel that I will feel I am alive.  That I own the process to let go and to move forward.  It is an admission to recognize that I am in a state of deep grief and mourning.  This writing will bring me comfort in the bleakest time of my life to accept with what is going on.

Today, I want to embrace about being alive and to understand the most of things, the most of life.  I need to be in the Be-ing.  I need to take charge to put my life back together.  I need to face the change in my life.  I need to surround myself in the circle of Divine Love.  I have to step off the edge of grief where it has brought me down into the abyss to recover for the greater experience and purpose.

While it is still painful, while I still cry every day and there are days crying buckets, I need to keep telling myself that in every moment of life, everything is happening as it should be happening.  That I am living but not in control of being alive.  My own life.  I need to be in the full splendor of life in its pure essence.  The evolution.  The consciousness.  The awareness.

In every beginning, there is an end.  Everything in life is temporary.  Nothing lasts forever; not the sunrise, or misfortunes nor wealth.  All these come and they go, even our own lives.  I may think that I have lost Fitz but I am not.  I may lose a wallet, a key.  I may lose a focus or a determination but we - you and I, do not lose a person who is the whole world to us.

The one thing that will change my current perception today is to understand, in both happy times or sad, that life will reveal itself according to how I see myself in relationship to it.  This will determine that state of my awareness, the mode of my consciousness to living.  It will correspondingly determine how life consciousness will manifest. 

Loss and grief are constant.  We all have to face it at some point.  Throughout our entire existence, we will have to say goodbye to people, to situations or to our beloved objects.  Grieving the loss of a loved one can make time to stand still.  It can be painful and debilitating as life goes on.  It can be a lonely journey as there is an emptiness that will always remain.  All loss leaves scars.

Today, I have to accept my way of life.  That my dearest soulmate, my wonderful partner has left me.  Our shared life has come to separate us together.  I have to face my future knowing well that I have lost a man who provided me contentedness, balance and infinite joy.  A man who soothed my soul and meant everything to me.

Today, I am certain that Heaven celebrates.  The moment I start to pen my thoughts into words and trust my instinct, I surrender to be alive.  In this moment of time, Fitz will be happy.  Just as I see a tree that grows from a barren and cracked rock, yet it finds the courage to defy the impossible and reaches for the sun.  That, as I tell myself, is the way that Fitz wants me to live, for the remainder of my life. 

I am grieving for as long as I am missing him, for as long as my life goes on.  I will continue to miss him but the memories of Fitz are always sweet.  It can be painful but nothing compared to the joy of the love we had together.  Fitz was love, Fitz is love and he will always be.  Love, in its own beauty, never dies.  I have to live the way he would want it for me.  I have to continue to live the life that we created.  I have to give love its strength. I have to live for what life is meant to be.

 

 

[IkuTube]

The Saddest Day

When we first learned about it (in end July 2016), the cancer was already at stage four.  Fitz had lung cancer, stage four.  By now, Fitz's voice had weakened as the muscle of his larynx was affected.  Our world came crashing down when we were told by the oncologist that the prognosis was six months.  We were warned that it would not be more than one and a half year.  In that split second, life as we knew was gone. 

The next few weeks, the fear of losing and departing was painful.  The waiting for the right treatment was both encouraging and yet, daunting.  Fitz went through few laboratory tests to determine for the right treatment.  Days into weeks, we learned about the many routes to treat cancer.

When we finally agreed on the course of the treatment, Fitz was very much looking forward.  He wanted the treatment immediately.  He endured and fought it for about six months.  He stayed strong throughout the treatment and believed that he would have few more years ahead.  He believed that he would have five more years.

Though the second half of 2016 was traumatic, with all the nasty side effects of chemotherapy, Fitz actually felt that he would be a cancer survivor.  He never gave up.  At some point during treatment, he showed good progress.  There were signs that the chemotherapy worked.  He even gained some weight.  He never lost his appetite.  He did not lose hair all throughout the chemotherapy sessions.  He never let his courage, his hope and his faith died.

But some things were not meant to be. 

Everything had its higher purpose and meaning.

We could only plan.  We could only hope.  We continued to dream.  We made every day more important, every day more special.

On Monday morning 6th February 2017, Fitz slipped away from me bidding goodbye to his cancer-ridden body.  He passed on and I watched at 10.50 am.  It took perhaps fifty minutes, the irreversible slide that moved him from life into death, me beside him, muted with acceptance and resignation.  At 10 am that morning, when he held my hands, he told me that he knew his time had come.  It took a lot of effort for him, as he was very weak, to tell me.  It was his way to comfort me.  It was his love to allow me to be prepared.  That was Fitz the person who cared.  He finally surrendered while I watched him sleep.

Fitz's passing was very peaceful.  There were only two of us in the hospital room.  His oncologist, the nurses and our family members left the room to let us be alone.  To let the two of us bid the final goodbye.  That early morning was hard for everyone.  Even the nurse whom had been nursing Fitz during his last few days gave me a hug and broke down.  It actually touched me when she did it as she was not supposed to react that way in her profession.

Two days earlier, his condition worsened.  I was told by his oncologist that he had only two days left.  With that info given to me, it was the hardest day of my life.  It was very hard for me to break the news to the family - his and mine, and to all our closest friends.  It was very hard not to let Fitz knew the situation.  It was a decision that I made not to tell him.  Sometimes, I felt guilty.  Sometimes, I felt that I was too hard on myself.  Sometimes, I felt that I was too harsh to keep it away from him.  Fitz and I had always been open throughout our 31 years together.

I have to learn to cope with it.

 

 

 

 

[IkuTube]

The Final Moment

That early morning of 6th February, he sensed it.  Though he was very weak and barely could talk, he told me he knew.  Fitz was still mentally alert even at his last moment.  He knew his time was up.  He knew he had to cross over.  He knew it was time to bid the last farewell.  Fitz, with all the pains and discomforts, was accepting and calm.

He held my hands all throughout and told me to be strong.  He made me to promise to stay strong.  We did not talk much.  In our silence, we felt our love.  We sensed our joy for the many years we spent our lives together.  We treasured the memories.  We held dear our vows and promises.

At the same time, I prayed.  I accepted and I surrendered.  I knew he did too. 

Something made me to break the silence.  Something just made me to do it.  I told him that I loved him.  I told him that he had been a very good partner, a very good friend and a very good person.  I thanked him for our good 31 years together.  I asked him to forgive me for all our ups and downs.  I told him that I was sorry for all my mistakes throughout the relationship.

I kissed his forehead.  A tear slipped from his eye and he took his final breath.  Though Fitz crossed the finish line with such immense peace and took a well-deserved rest, I was devastated.  Something inside me died too.  My heart was incredibly heavy but it was peaceful to let Fitz ended all his pains.

I remembered telling myself, "And that's it!".  The chapter ended.  I lost and Heaven gained.

 

 

[IkuTube]

Soul Mate

Fitz was my soul mate.  He was my wonderful friend, my loving partner and compassionate companion.  We met when we were in our 20s.  We were somewhat a young lover.  Three months into courtship, we decided to throw a wedding banquet.  We threw it at (then) The Westin Hotel at Stamford Road.  We had some close (straight) friends attended our wedding.  We wrote our own wedding vows.  We had these friends witnessed our vows and our promises. 

We built our home and had our first shared property in our second year.   We worked hard.  There was not a moment, throughout our relationship, that we regretted the decision and the financial sacrifices.  We wanted to live together as a normal couple.  We wanted to share and to be a part of each other.  We wanted to make it real all the dreams we had. 

It was the smart decision that we made, to open up more opportunities for us to grow closer.  It was, after all, our vow "to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part".

In all the 31 years we were together, we intertwined our lives to one another.  We proved to the world that same-sex relationship can work.  We were like a pair of chopsticks.  We were always seen together side by side and very much similar to each other.  We lasted a beautiful marriage.  We found and shaped life – our own unique way of life.  We gave meaning against all odds.  We overcame many of our differences.  We learned to live to accept them to become one with love, hope and faith.

 

 

[IkuTube]

One Year On

Today, more than a year has passed and I still miss him badly.  I will always miss him.  Fitz is a great loss; there is something inside me that dies with his passing.  It breaks my heart to lose him.  The reality that he is no longer here will always cause me pain.  All that I can offer, from the day God took him home, is my prayer that he rests in peace forever.  Fitz is now a memory and it is a very treasured memory to live by. 

Today, I learn that saying goodbye is also teaching me to grow.  Every ending is another beginning.  I learn to count on my blessings.  My life story with Fitz is one great blessing.  I have had a beautiful life. 

Today, I learn to live in the present and there is no other happier and peaceful way I can live but to be in that presence.

Fitz, you will always be remembered.  You will be forever missed.  While you were here, you touched the hearts of all who knew you.  Time will pass but all the memories of you will stay in our hearts.  In my heart.  They are forever treasured.

I love you and will always love you.

[shyc]

No words or actions can console someone with a sadden heart. One way or another we all face death over and over. This is one thing tat practise doesn't make perfect. It just get numbed at times. Dying seems easy. To carry on living is the hardest. Be strong my Friend!  A virtual hug to show support tat you have my prayers in mind. May you find peace in your heart and soul till the day you reunite.

[IkuTube]

1 hour ago, shyc said:

No words or actions can console someone with a sadden heart. One way or another we all face death over and over. This is one thing tat practise doesn't make perfect. It just get numbed at times. Dying seems easy. To carry on living is the hardest. Be strong my Friend!  A virtual hug to show support tat you have my prayers in mind. May you find peace in your heart and soul till the day you reunite.

 

Thank you very much, @shyc .  Your words give me a deep sense of peace.

[Ironrod]

My deepest condolences.

 

My partner and I have been training ourselves in the wisdom of Lord Buddha, in hope when the time comes it will be easier for us.

 

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experience.

[Sh3rlock]

My heartfelt sympathy. My thoughts are with you. May you find the Peace, Tranquility and Serenity you are looking for. Big Hug.

[Nipoet]

I have personally never lost someone close, other than my Grandpa when I was 9 or 10.

But I had my emotional valleys, and climbing back up is hard. But climb back, you must, for how else would you survive?

And life, indubitably, MUST go on.

The quote was for when I was climbing back up from the valley. 

 

Stay strong, bro. 

[maturemedium]

My condolences. My tears almost fell reading your post. It makes me treasure my relationships of 25 years with my bf. Knowing that the day of parting is inevitable. Deep inside me I prayed that if one have to go first, I would rather he go first as I really cannot bear to see him grief without me. I would rather take the grief and pain. Life is short.. treasure it with your love one. I feel you, ikutube. Be strong.

[Dreamaway]

Thanks @IkuTube for sharing. U encouraged the rest of us who still wonder if a life long same sex relationship is possible. Thank you...

 

Time does heal all wounds if we allow it to. A beautiful scar will remain to remind us of the bittersweet moments. 

 

I pray ray that u find hope to live out beautifully the rest of ur time on earth before u see ur beloved fitz again. 

 

Big hug...

[tterrynick]

Couldn't control my tears as I read your touching words.

Cherish your 31 years.

Hugs!

[fab]

U r blessed to 've 31 yrs.

 

Many don't even 've 3 yrs.

Edited May 20, 2018 by fab

[imchaser]

We know that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with your partner. You’re still blessed, because he was able to spend the rest of his with you. May the memories of your loving partner give you comfort tomorrow and all the days after that.

 

Hope and peace.

[IkuTube]

On 5/19/2018 at 2:35 AM, Ironrod said:

My deepest condolences.

 

My partner and I have been training ourselves in the wisdom of Lord Buddha, in hope when the time comes it will be easier for us.

 

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experience.

 

Thank You, @Ironrod.  It is always good to plan ahead.

 

 

On 5/19/2018 at 3:32 AM, Sh3rlock said:

My heartfelt sympathy. My thoughts are with you. May you find the Peace, Tranquility and Serenity you are looking for. Big Hug.

 

Thank You, @Sh3rlock

 

 

On 5/19/2018 at 6:50 PM, Nipoet said:

I

 

Thank You, @Nipoet.  It is such a beautiful wise quote!  It makes me to feel alive.

 

 

[IkuTube]

On 5/19/2018 at 6:58 PM, maturemedium said:

My condolences. My tears almost fell reading your post. It makes me treasure my relationships of 25 years with my bf. Knowing that the day of parting is inevitable. Deep inside me I prayed that if one have to go first, I would rather he go first as I really cannot bear to see him grief without me. I would rather take the grief and pain. Life is short.. treasure it with your love one. I feel you, ikutube. Be strong.

 

Thank You, @maturemedium.  I feel you.  Treasure and make more beautiful memories every day.  It is such commitment that will keep the sanity in any eventuality.

 

You are right to say that "the day of parting is inevitable" and before it is too late, talk about it openly.

 

 

On 5/20/2018 at 11:53 AM, Dreamaway said:

Thanks @IkuTube for sharing. U encouraged the rest of us who still wonder if a life long same sex relationship is possible. Thank you...

 

Time does heal all wounds if we allow it to. A beautiful scar will remain to remind us of the bittersweet moments. 

 

I pray ray that u find hope to live out beautifully the rest of ur time on earth before u see ur beloved fitz again. 

 

Big hug...

 

Thank you, @Dreamaway.  I always believe that gay relationship is possible.  It is a matter of taking that choice and making the want to work.

 

 

22 hours ago, tterrynick said:

Couldn't control my tears as I read your touching words.

Cherish your 31 years.

Hugs!

 

Thank you, @tterrynick

[IkuTube]

19 hours ago, fab said:

U r blessed to 've 31 yrs.

 

Many don't even 've 3 yrs.

 

Thank You, @fab.

 

 

2 hours ago, imchaser said:

We know that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with your partner. You’re still blessed, because he was able to spend the rest of his with you. May the memories of your loving partner give you comfort tomorrow and all the days after that.

 

Hope and peace.

 

Thank you, @imchaser.

 

 

[samdiggin]

This is very touching and my condolences to you. Stay strong! He will be there always with you and know that he is in a much better place free of pain.

[sphere]

@IkuTube, I'm not that good with words of such, but your sharing was indeed touching.

You are strong, so do continue to stay strong eh.

 

I don't think I am able to be as strong as you (what you been through was devastating), you had demonstrated what life is all about - "to live in the present". For the very least, you have had a good three decades of memories. May you continue to be strong and happy yeah!    

 

 

[LupCheong]

Dear Master, I am eternally grateful to you for your teachings all these years. You have always taught me to be positive in whatever we say and do. So me and Botak are glad that you have decided to pen down your feelings here. 

 

"Everything happens for a good reason" is forever etched in my mind due to your teaching to me and I hope you are reminded on that whenever you think of F. Be comforted that F and Ruby will be waiting for you at the rainbow bridge when the time comes for us to leave this physical world and I am sure they will be smiling in heaven to see that you have moved on to lead a fruitful and meaningful life without them. 

 

Namaste.

Edited May 22, 2018 by LupCheong

[boyzbe81]

Sorry for your lost and I read with sadness in my heart and tears in my eyes. Stay strong but knowing words are always easier spoken.

 

Although death is part and parcel of life. It is still a scary thought now that I have a partner.

[IkuTube]

On 5/21/2018 at 4:58 PM, birth_ave said:

This is very touching and my condolences to you. Stay strong! He will be there always with you and know that he is in a much better place free of pain.

 

Thank you, @birth_ave.

 

 

23 hours ago, sphere said:

@IkuTube, I'm not that good with words of such, but your sharing was indeed touching.

You are strong, so do continue to stay strong eh.

 

I don't think I am able to be as strong as you (what you been through was devastating), you had demonstrated what life is all about - "to live in the present". For the very least, you have had a good three decades of memories. May you continue to be strong and happy yeah!    

 

 

 

Thank you, @sphere.  We often think that we may not have the strength and courage, but when we are put into the situation, we'll be amazed.  I still remember, those days when I was care-giving Fitz, you were here entertaining me with the 5 letters game.  I treasure those nights.  Thank you once again.

 

 

3 hours ago, boyzbe81 said:

Sorry for your lost and I read with sadness in my heart and tears in my eyes. Stay strong but knowing words are always easier spoken.

 

Although death is part and parcel of life. It is still a scary thought now that I have a partner.

 

Thank you, @boyzbe81.

 

 

[IkuTube]

On 5/22/2018 at 5:34 PM, LupCheong said:

Dear Master, I am eternally grateful to you for your teachings all these years. You have always taught me to be positive in whatever we say and do. So me and Botak are glad that you have decided to pen down your feelings here. 

 

"Everything happens for a good reason" is forever etched in my mind due to your teaching to me and I hope you are reminded on that whenever you think of F. Be comforted that F and Ruby will be waiting for you at the rainbow bridge when the time comes for us to leave this physical world and I am sure they will be smiling in heaven to see that you have moved on to lead a fruitful and meaningful life without them. 

 

Namaste.

 

I love you, @LupCheong.  I am grateful for your presence at his wake. 

 

You presence and your words here shine the light.  Thank you for your kind reminder.

 

 

[IkuTube]

The Legal Matters

One crucial question that was often asked, “Do you guys have a Will?” and more so when Fitz was diagnosed with cancer.  This question was asked by his family, by my family, by our good close friends and by those whom we shared about his cancer. 

“It was to protect you for the inevitable”, his brother told me.

For peace of mind, it is important for gay couples to have a Will.  Especially, when there are shared assets.  A Will is the only legal document that safeguards these shared assets when one partner passes away.  It gives great comfort to the surviving partner to move on.

Last Will And Testament

For whatever the intention, do have a clear mind to the reasons why it is drawn in the first place.  Fitz and I had good discussion about this matter.  The one beautiful thing we did was to share with (at least) one of our family members (his and mine) how we willed it.

We do not need a lawyer to write the Will but it is important that the formalities are adhered:

• 1      The Will must be committed to writing.
• 2      The Will must be witnessed by 2 or more witnesses.
• 3      The Beneficiary to the Will can be The Executor (to carry out the Will). 
• 4       The Beneficiary cannot be the 2 main witnesses but he/she can be the third (if need be).

You may want to list all the assets.

You may want to specify why there is(are) no asset(s) to anybody else (eg. Parents, family members, etc) and there is/are only the named Beneficiary(ies).

You may want to indicate that the Will cannot be contested.

In our case, we hired a lawyer to devise the Will.  We made known to the lawyer that we were a gay couple.  Doing so, the intention was to make sure that he was comfortable to draw the Will and advice us accordingly.  We shared with him our intentions and we wanted the Will to be very specific.

What is not covered in a Will

Joint Accounts

Bank Account and/or Joint Tenancy (for Property).  These two cannot be devised by a Will.

CPF Nomination

It is important to nominate your Beneficiary(ies).  The nominee(s) can be anyone whom you want to pass it down - family members and/or friends.  In the case that the nominee(s) is(are) not a family member, the CPF Officer will be a witness to sign on your wish.

Insurance Beneficiary Nominated Before the Year 2009

Unless a change of beneficiaries is notified with the Insurer (must be filled in the proper form issued by the Insurer), the Insurance Act will apply.  The death claims will be given to the named beneficiary(ies) even if the beneficiary(ies) is/are not named in the Will.

All other insurances bought after the year 2009 will not apply.

When to execute the Will

It is advisable to execute the Will within six months to apply for a Grant of Probate.

 

 

[sphere]

7 hours ago, IkuTube said:

.....

Thank you, @sphere.  We often think that we may not have the strength and courage, but when we are put into the situation, we'll be amazed.  I still remember, those days when I was care-giving Fitz, you were here entertaining me with the 5 letters game.  I treasure those nights.  Thank you once again.

.....

 

Thanks for your kind words, @IkuTube, as for the game, it was indeed some "crazy nights" (and we left one whole page to ourselves, haha) back then, but fun eh. I always wonder why you suddenly "disappeared", well, now it all fits like a puzzle. Glad to know I was of "some help", haha.

Have a great hump day!    

 

[IkuTube]

The Legal Matters (Continue)

 

With regards to Will and Testament, I learn that it is good to name the partner as the only Executor and when he is the sole beneficiary to the estate.  Should there are other named beneficiaries, appoint an executor that is neutral and close to you.  It is to avoid sensitive information to be shared when the Grant of Probate is issued.

The Role of The Executor

When the Grant of Probate is issued, you have to personally attend to close all of the deceased’s existing accounts (Credit Card, Bank, Telco, SGX, etc). 

For Joint Account, it is very straight forward where the Bank will transfer it to the surviving account holder. 

For Joint Tenancy with HBD, you can go down to HBD Town Council to make the necessary change to the Title Deed.

You have to show the death certificate and the Grant of Probate.  For some institutions, they would want to see the Will.

It is good, at this time, that you open an Estate Account under his (The Deceased) name and hold it for 1 or 2 years.

 

Lasting Power of Attorney

Do consider to do the Lasting Power of Attorney (LPA).  LPA takes few months to process.

LPA, in my case, helped a great deal.  It made many institutions and our families to recognize my role with Fitz.  It helped me to be with Fitz, round the clock, all throughout his hospital stay.  I was also involved when he volunteered to go through the Advance Care Planning.

 

Central Depository (CDP) Account

Approach a broker to assist you.  You may opt to go to SGX to personally close the account. 

When SGX approved, you may decide to sell any stocks and shares or to transfer them to your CDP account (if any).

 

 

 

 

[IkuTube]

You Need A Friend

 

Attending to all the legal matters can be traumatizing.  Especially, when you are alone and when you are the surviving and closeted gay partner.  You might feel, suddenly, that your identity is exposed and yet there are matters to resolve. 

 

Many times, I felt lost.  Many times, I could not think straight.  Many times, when I thought that I heard and knew what was told, there were things still not right.  To have a friend accompanying you would be good.

 

 

[Steve5380]

On 5/17/2018 at 7:36 AM, IkuTube said:

I hope to share what I am experiencing and learning.  It has, somewhat, impacted my way of life.  Still, this sharing is not the absolute right way nor it is the only utmost course.  This writing is to bring awareness to others as this awareness has served me.  I just want to reach out to those who might be in the need and whom might be in the same path.

 

I thank you for your sharing.  I am reading what you write with tears in my eyes.

 

My companion of 20 years is seriously ill.  With increasing gastric problems he is now unable to eat and has been on IV feeding (TPN) for many months. Surgeons attempted twice to operate in his abdomen but aborted the operations because of high risk.  He is being attended by the best doctors at one of the largest medical centers in the US, yet they are not specialized in his condition.  I am in the (long) process to contact other medical centers throughout the US to find care and surgeons who are experienced in his rare condition and could provide adequate treatment. Without this, his chances of survival are slim. 

 

In the meantime I care daily for my friend and see his struggle.  It breaks my heart.  Often I wake up in the morning with strong feelings of helplessness and difficulty to face the day.  Then I find some strength and put a normal face to keep my friend's spirits high. We try to find some happiness in each day, one at a time.  I am fortunate to have the time to dedicate to him and to other activities that keep my stress under control, since I am retired.  I practice optimism, and pass it on to him.

 

I could face your situation at any time in the future.  Thank you for giving me some preparation for the eventuality,  and I will try to do my best with it.

[Steve5380]

On 5/17/2018 at 7:42 AM, IkuTube said:

On Monday morning 6th February 2017, Fitz slipped away from me bidding goodbye to his cancer-ridden body.  He passed on and I watched at 10.50 am.  It took perhaps fifty minutes, the irreversible slide that moved him from life into death, me beside him, muted with acceptance and resignation.  At 10 am that morning, when he held my hands, he told me that he knew his time had come.  It took a lot of effort for him, as he was very weak, to tell me.  It was his way to comfort me.  It was his love to allow me to be prepared.  That was Fitz the person who cared.  He finally surrendered while I watched him sleep.

 

We won't know what is the experience of death until the last moment of our life.

 

What if, what if the roles are reversed?  Our sorrow goes out for the person who is dying, but we don't know what he feels.  What if the end of life is a joyful experience, and HE feels bad for us who stay behind in our sorrow?

 

Could the experience be joyful on both sides?  He for passing beyond this life, us for our role to stay behind covering the rear to do the same years later?  When my time comes to be separated from my companion I will dwell on how much of my sorrow is selfishness.  Life is not a gift and we have a responsibility to continue it as nature dictates.  My friend always tells me that he wants to be the first one to go, and I understand his reason. Perhaps the best way to honor his wish will be to not grieve endlessly after his departure.     

[IkuTube]

On 5/27/2018 at 9:58 AM, Steve5380 said:

 

My companion of 20 years is seriously ill.  With increasing gastric problems he is now unable to eat and has been on IV feeding (TPN) for many months. Surgeons attempted twice to operate in his abdomen but aborted the operations because of high risk.  He is being attended by the best doctors at one of the largest medical centers in the US, yet they are not specialized in his condition.  I am in the (long) process to contact other medical centers throughout the US to find care and surgeons who are experienced in his rare condition and could provide adequate treatment. Without this, his chances of survival are slim. 

 

 

Dear @Steve5380, Thank You very much for sharing your journey.  I feel you and I feel the many emotions that you are going through.  May you find the surgeons that would be able to provide for the adequate treatment.

 

Meanwhile, my prayers to you and to your companion.  I truly hope he is not in much pain.

 

 

On 5/27/2018 at 9:58 AM, Steve5380 said:

 

In the meantime I care daily for my friend and see his struggle.  It breaks my heart.  Often I wake up in the morning with strong feelings of helplessness and difficulty to face the day.  Then I find some strength and put a normal face to keep my friend's spirits high. We try to find some happiness in each day, one at a time.  I am fortunate to have the time to dedicate to him and to other activities that keep my stress under control, since I am retired.  I practice optimism, and pass it on to him.

 

I could face your situation at any time in the future.  Thank you for giving me some preparation for the eventuality,  and I will try to do my best with it.

 

 

You are, indeed, a caring and loving caregiver.  It is the love that you have for him that will make things beautiful.  Surely, it will comfort your companion, @Steve5380.  It can be hard to hide the feeling of helplessness but when you put yourself in his conditions, you will find the courage, the strength and the high spirit.  I believe your companion does not want to see you sad.

 

We'll face departure of some sort in life.  It is inevitable but where you are now, focus on providing the best.  Not only to your companion but for yourself too.  Make many more happy memories.  They will be the embedded joy that'll stay.

 

"Thank You" once again, @Steve5380.  Let this space become a support ground to all of us.

 

 

"The Eventuality"

 

What I didn't share in my earlier posts was the conversation that I had with Fitz on the specific details about "the eventuality".  Though it was hard for me, Fitz was in control.  It had to be done; it had to be told.  Perhaps, it was his way to find the peace for me to continue on.  We talked about how to handle it.  We talked about arrangements.  It was not easy but the pains to talk and confront it brought peace.

 

Looking back, I am glad that conversation took place.  I find peace to have given Fitz what he wanted; according to how it should end with his worldly things.

 

 

 

 

[IkuTube]

5 hours ago, Steve5380 said:

 

We won't know what is the experience of death until the last moment of our life.

 

What if, what if the roles are reversed?  Our sorrow goes out for the person who is dying, but we don't know what he feels.  What if the end of life is a joyful experience, and HE feels bad for us who stay behind in our sorrow?

 

Could the experience be joyful on both sides?  He for passing beyond this life, us for our role to stay behind covering the rear to do the same years later?  When my time comes to be separated from my companion I will dwell on how much of my sorrow is selfishness.  Life is not a gift and we have a responsibility to continue it as nature dictates.  My friend always tells me that he wants to be the first one to go, and I understand his reason. Perhaps the best way to honor his wish will be to not grieve endlessly after his departure.     

 

 

I connect to this line of thought.

 

When I read it, it reminded me with what @shyc wrote ..

 

On 5/18/2018 at 2:45 PM, shyc said:

 

.. One way or another we all face death over and over. This is one thing tat practise doesn't make perfect. It just get numbed at times. Dying seems easy. To carry on living is the hardest.

 

 

Death, personally to me, is a beautiful thing.  Strange as it may sound, when Fitz passed on with me right next to him, I felt his "joyful experience" and the "sorrow is selfishness" as you mentioned.

 

Grief is a natural thing because we lose a loved one.  We should not be hard about it.  But, it is important to consciously be aware that we have lost a person but not the love, the memories and that spiritual connection.

 

Take care, @Steve5380.

 

 

[Steve5380]

7 hours ago, IkuTube said:

 

IGrief is a natural thing because we lose a loved one.  We should not be hard about it.  But, it is important to consciously be aware that we have lost a person but not the love, the memories and that spiritual connection.

 

Take care, @Steve5380.

 

 

Thank you IkuTube for you kind words.  

 

I am not a religious believer but I like to speculate that there is only ONE human Soul that looks out at the world through countless pairs of eyes.  These pairs of eyes stay open for a given time and then they close and are replaced by new eyes.

We have been lucky to find a unique pair of eyes through which we reconnected externally to our Soul.  This blessing is a mini nirvana that fulfills something in our existence.  When the beloved pair of eyes close this does not impact the Soul, our Soul, and our eyes still open can always find another pair of eyes to connect to in a unique way.  This may also help other eyes to make this magical connection.

 

You mentioned earlier a feeling of guilt for not having revealed to your friend his situation two days before death.  But... WHAT guilt?  The blessings of your relationship were mutual.  He was extremely fortunate to meet his destiny with you at his side. Don't you think that he would be sad if he knew of your feelings of guilt?  

 

I feel confident that after a mourning time the death of our beloved person will change from grieving to the celebration of his life with us.

[Steve5380]

On 5/19/2018 at 5:58 AM, maturemedium said:

Knowing that the day of parting is inevitable. Deep inside me I prayed that if one have to go first, I would rather he go first as I really cannot bear to see him grief without me. I would rather take the grief and pain. Life is short.. treasure it with your love one. I feel you, ikutube. Be strong.

 

On 5/20/2018 at 11:27 PM, imchaser said:

We know that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with your partner. You’re still blessed, because he was able to spend the rest of his with you. May the memories of your loving partner give you comfort tomorrow and all the days after that.

 

 

These ideas help me cope with the probable guilt that I stay alive while he has to go.  I have always been the strongest and so I want to stay.  He will fulfill his wish to spend the rest of his days together.  I am glad that he won't have to cope with my death. (as I write this I am reminded that we never know if we will be alive tomorrow...)

[shyc]

I feel for your partner and you, maybe not in the very same way you are both feeling right now. Good to hear your optimism and may you both be bless with the strength and courage to carry on day by day. The most comforting thing anyone in such situations would have is to have someone by his side to share the uncertainty (for both parties); being alone can be daunting and tend to mislead our wondering minds astray. Being focus on the moment, the joys shared while still together, might help you drive away that helplessness and sometime depressingly wild minds. Hang in there as best you possibly could, dear @Steve5380.

 

And to all who read this and face almost similar situations, let it be known, you are not alone! And if at any point in time, you feel yourself snapping, reach out for a helping hand. That person may not solve your problems/situations but the least he can be is not let you be alone facing this, at this critical stage. Peace to all.

[Steve5380]

Thank you Shyc for your kind words.  There is a positive side to my experience.  Day by day I feel growth, understanding, becoming a better person away from my selfish nature.  But I would renounce to all this for the health of my friend, his illness should not be the force that makes me grow.  However one does not have a choice and I won't be selfish again if my friend fully recovers, promise to the divinity!  I will look out for those in need of support, like you guys are doing.

[IkuTube]

23 hours ago, Steve5380 said:

 

You mentioned earlier a feeling of guilt for not having revealed to your friend his situation two days before death.  But... WHAT guilt?  The blessings of your relationship were mutual.  He was extremely fortunate to meet his destiny with you at his side. Don't you think that he would be sad if he knew of your feelings of guilt?  
 

 

These sentences are therapeutic.  Though they make me teared, I feel comforted.  Thank you, Steve5380.

[IkuTube]

13 hours ago, shyc said:

 

The most comforting thing anyone in such situations would have is to have someone by his side to share the uncertainty (for both parties); being alone can be daunting and tend to mislead our wondering minds astray. Being focus on the moment, the joys shared while still together, might help you drive away that helplessness and sometime depressingly wild minds.

 

And to all who read this and face almost similar situations, let it be known, you are not alone! And if at any point in time, you feel yourself snapping, reach out for a helping hand. That person may not solve your problems/situations but the least he can be is not let you be alone facing this, at this critical stage. Peace to all.

 

 

Thank you, @shyc.   I totally agree with what you said. 

 

To have someone during the "critical stage"  is important and comforting.  You are right that it "can be daunting and tend to mislead our wondering minds astray".  It is important to have someone with you and whom you are comfortable with.  It is very healing to "share the uncertainty" and the "wondering minds".

 

 

[keroppi]

Stay strong @IkuTube, I may not be able to find the right words to say to make you feel better but I thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing with us.

[IkuTube]

13 hours ago, keroppi said:

Stay strong @IkuTube, I may not be able to find the right words to say to make you feel better but I thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing with us.

 

Thank You, @keroppi.

 

 

[bluesky69]

@IkuTube I just came across this and I am so sorry for your loss. My deepest condolences.

 

*HUGS* 

 

To me, this is the single most comforting gesture one can give to another.

 

And thank you for shining a light so that anyone in the same predicament can walk the path easier.

 

Take care.

[LeanMature]

31 years is a long time to heal, but time will heal, no matter what.  

[IkuTube]

On 7/18/2018 at 2:54 PM, bluesky69 said:

@IkuTube I just came across this and I am so sorry for your loss. My deepest condolences.

 

*HUGS* 

 

To me, this is the single most comforting gesture one can give to another.

 

And thank you for shining a light so that anyone in the same predicament can walk the path easier.

 

Take care.

 

On 7/18/2018 at 3:16 PM, LeanMature said:

31 years is a long time to heal, but time will heal, no matter what.  

 

Thank You! @bluesky69 and @LeanMature.  Appreciate much.

 

 

[bluesky69]

On 7/19/2018 at 4:19 PM, IkuTube said:

 

 

Thank You! @bluesky69 and @LeanMature.  Appreciate much.

 

 

You can pm me if you ever want to 'talk' to a complete stranger

[IkuTube]

On 8/3/2018 at 2:06 PM, bluesky69 said:

You can pm me if you ever want to 'talk' to a complete stranger

 

You are one nice guy.  I am touched with your caring heart.

[IkuTube]

On 5/17/2018 at 8:36 PM, IkuTube said:

The Purpose of This Writing

This writing - and I shall confess that it comes with some emotional struggles - is my commitment to reach out to the gay community.  It will be my story.  It is written in memory of Fitz (not his real name). 

It is the space of our contribution; to honor my relationship with him.  This space, after much persuasion from some close friends, is to render support to the community.  To reach out mainly to gay couples (and hopefully to all gays) to share that everything is possible.  Every strain, every burden, every chain and every hurdle retreats.

Here, in this space, I hope to share:

•           The pains of grief losing a loved one 

I hope to share what I am experiencing and learning.  It has, somewhat, impacted my way of life.  Still, this sharing is not the absolute right way nor it is the only utmost course.  This writing is to bring awareness to others as this awareness has served me.  I just want to reach out to those who might be in the need and whom might be in the same path.

 

 

To continue ..

 

The Pains of Grief Losing A Loved One

Grieving the loss of a loved one is a challenge.  How can you cope with the loss and heal your emotional wounds?  How can you imagine a life without that person while honoring memories you shared?

Here, I am going to walk back to face with my own pain.  At the same time, it is a sharing so that it can become an informed knowledge.  Each of us grieves differently but we struggle with death the same.  There will be the avalanche of emotions that will sweep over when the final moment comes, even if we knew death is imminent.

Fitz’s death makes me to honor my wish to reach out to others.  His death makes me to experience the intense emotions of grief.  It makes me to realize that there are no quick fixes for the anguish after the death of a loved one.  It makes me to understand the importance of having someone to accompany the ones left behind.

The Pain

I will always remember the words of a caring palliative nurse the day when I was told that Fitz had only two days left.  Her name was Elaine (May you be blessed with good life, Elaine).  She accompanied me right after I got the terminal news about Fitz.  She came to make sure that I was comforted.  She touched me.  As a godsend angel, she gave me the strength so that I could have the courage to be with Fitz.  That I had the mental and emotional spirit to continue to provide the best for Fitz.

She said “It will not be easy for you to go through the grief process alone”.  Elaine knew that I was Fitz’s partner.  I shared with her about me, about my 31 years’ relationship with Fitz.  That we stayed together.  That our families and closed friends accepted us.  She had been nursing Fitz the last few days and was preparing for an ongoing palliative care.  We did not expect that Fitz’s condition turned for the worst.

There was truth in her statement.  Grief was universal but it could be, particularly, a lonely journey for a surviving gay partner.  Unlike any widows/widowers, there was silent pain only known to myself as the surviving gay partner.  I could not share easily that I had lost a spouse, even I wanted to tell people when they asked about Fitz.  It would have a different healing process.

On Fitz's last day, the morning of 6th February 2017, Elaine asked me whether I would want to clean up Fitz.  She told me that she would guide me.  She prepared the shaver, the hot towels and held my hand to encourage me.   I believed she felt my love for Fitz and wanted to make it right for me.

The First Of First

I learned it was important, right after a death, to have family or friends to accompany.  Also, for the next few days.  In my case, I was blessed to have family members and friends to be with me.  They stayed around to make sure that I would not be alone.  Their presence was essential as it made me not to feel alone.  Their presence made me to be mindful.  It was also healing for them to do so.

After the funeral, there would be days when memories could just hit without warning.  They could come crushing emotionally hard and painful.  They could bring joy and, at times, guilt too.  I had to allow myself to mourn.

Then, there would the first of first to everything.  The first anniversary.  The first Christmas.  The first Chinese New Year.  The first New Year.  The first birthday.  The first trip.  These would be the most memorable days that made me to miss Fitz terribly.  Such days made me to feel gloomy, perhaps lonely too.  Often, I got caught off guard with profound grief on such days.  Some days, I felt that I was alive yet I was dead too.

Moving On

Grieving is a process.  I cannot and should not put a deadline to it.  But importantly, I must learn to accept my loss.  I must accept that death is part of Life.  I must learn to allow my sorrow becomes an integrated part of me as a whole person.

 

 

 

[Steve5380]

On 5/26/2018 at 8:58 PM, Steve5380 said:

 

I thank you for your sharing.  I am reading what you write with tears in my eyes.

 

My companion of 20 years is seriously ill.  With increasing gastric problems he is now unable to eat and has been on IV feeding (TPN) for many months. Surgeons attempted twice to operate in his abdomen but aborted the operations because of high risk.  He is being attended by the best doctors at one of the largest medical centers in the US, yet they are not specialized in his condition.  I am in the (long) process to contact other medical centers throughout the US to find care and surgeons who are experienced in his rare condition and could provide adequate treatment. Without this, his chances of survival are slim. 

 

In the meantime I care daily for my friend and see his struggle.  It breaks my heart.  Often I wake up in the morning with strong feelings of helplessness and difficulty to face the day.  Then I find some strength and put a normal face to keep my friend's spirits high. We try to find some happiness in each day, one at a time.  I am fortunate to have the time to dedicate to him and to other activities that keep my stress under control, since I am retired.  I practice optimism, and pass it on to him.

 

I could face your situation at any time in the future.  Thank you for giving me some preparation for the eventuality,  and I will try to do my best with it.

 

It finally happened. My friend and companion of over 20 years died this Sunday in a hospital far away from home.  I had driven him there to seek his attention by a group of doctors who specialize in his condition, and he had had a successful initial operation.  He had two days of joy feeling relief,  when he had an agitated episode of plummeting blood pressure and shortness of breath.  A medical team helped him recover.  A similar episode the next day brought him to the ICU (intensive care unit) There he had a third episode, and he was attached to a respirator machine and sedated to tolerate the tube in his mouth.  This is the last time I saw him conscious. From there, ten days of increasing sepsis and pulmonary problems lead to the failure of his organs and I requested the removal of his artificial support.  Then, accompanied by is brother and family, we saw him come to rest peacefully.

 

After his death and cremation, I drove home yesterday during twelve hours of grieving and acceptance,  a good thing since no one could hear me crying so loud that it would have alarmed neighbors. We had left full of hope days ago, then the joy of his successful operation, then I was two weeks at his site hoping for his recovery, then seeing him slowly dying, then I found myself returning home with his ashes.

 

I had met my friend "M" twenty-one years ago at a sleazy bar in Houston, "The Mining Company", that in the opinion of righteous conservatives caters to degenerate immoral lowlifes. From the beginning I was attracted to his kind and friendly demeanor, and we dated for a while. One day he was fired from his job for being gay (something legal in those days) and, since I was already divorced and living alone I offered him to spend some time at my home.  Immediately he revealed to me that he was HIV positive.  He was surprised that I didn't gave this any importance and insisted that he should move in until he could recover.  Over the years I realized that he was the most noble person I have had the luck to cross in my life. From the beginning, sex was there but not very important in the relationship. He introduced me to gay saunas and we visited one here several times. One time he suspected me to do it behind his back, drove there, and found me with another guy.  he didn't accept this and threatened to leave, to which I started crying.  He consoled me,  and assured me he would not leave me.  This was the last time "fidelity" had any power in our relationship and he accepted my lack of monogamy, confident that I would not leave him for someone else.  21 years together bear witness to the correctness of his thinking.

 

Due to his illness he was not into sex, and I did my escapades as sex tourist several times a year.  Our relationship was intended to last a lifetime, he wanted to care for me when I was very old.  But one thing he insisted:  he wanted to leave first.  Now I find some joy in that this wish got fulfilled,  he would have been devastated (emotionally and practically) had I died first.  I have the strength to carry my strongest penalty yet for being alive (I never had lost someone I loved so much) and I will recover and extract something positive from it.

 

One advice:

 

We need relationships to grow.  We need pain to grow.  Even when you read how painful it is to lose a person we love,  it IS worth.  I would not have had it otherwise.  But remember: keep a relationship such that you never have to feel guilty of anything major.  If you are lucky that it works out, cultivate it with care. If not, get out of it with a minimum of hurt for both parties. We keep reading how disillusioned some feel after a breakup. This is possible to happen, no one is immune to this.  But it should not discourage us to stay positive and TRUST that life has still much to offer, no matter how old we are and how many times we were unsuccessful.  Something like trying to quit smoking or drinking and not giving up?

[shyc]

41 minutes ago, Steve5380 said:

It finally happened. My friend and companion of over 20 years died this Sunday in a hospital far away from home...

 

After his death and cremation, I drove home yesterday during twelve hours of grieving and acceptance,  a good thing since no one could hear me crying so loud that it would have alarmed neighbors. We had left full of hope days ago, then the joy of his successful operation, then I was two weeks at his site hoping for his recovery, then seeing him slowly dying, then I found myself returning home with his ashes...

 

One advice:

We need relationships to grow.  We need pain to grow.  Even when you read how painful it is to lose a person we love,  it IS worth.  I would not have had it otherwise.  But remember: keep a relationship such that you never have to feel guilty of anything major.  If you are lucky that it works out, cultivate it with care. If not, get out of it with a minimum of hurt for both parties. We keep reading how disillusioned some feel after a breakup. This is possible to happen, no one is immune to this.  But it should not discourage us to stay positive and TRUST that life has still much to offer, no matter how old we are and how many times we were unsuccessful.  Something like trying to quit smoking or drinking and not giving up?

Deepest condolences to your greatest lost. It is heartening to read that you are a very strong man and that your strength will bring you forward with little, but not any lesser pain. If only each and everyone of us can be like you, unfortunately life was not meant to be equals. We all grieve differently and some of us may not be as lucky to get out of it 'alive'. Only wish one day when the time comes to face such situations, we can be somewhat prepared to let nature take it's course. Reading  the strengths and weaknesses faced by others hopefully can help steer our heart and mind towards a more compromising state. 

Virtual hugs and sympathy to your loss. Hang in there. 

[IkuTube]

8 hours ago, Steve5380 said:

 

It finally happened.

 

One advice:

 

We need relationships to grow.  We need pain to grow.  Even when you read how painful it is to lose a person we love,  it IS worth.  I would not have had it otherwise.  But remember: keep a relationship such that you never have to feel guilty of anything major.  If you are lucky that it works out, cultivate it with care. If not, get out of it with a minimum of hurt for both parties. We keep reading how disillusioned some feel after a breakup. This is possible to happen, no one is immune to this.  But it should not discourage us to stay positive and TRUST that life has still much to offer, no matter how old we are and how many times we were unsuccessful.  Something like trying to quit smoking or drinking and not giving up?

 

 

Dear Steve, 

 

I cried hard reading your news as it was deja vu all over again. 

My deepest condolences.  

May his soul rest in peace.

 

Thank you for updating the situation.  Often, I thought about it.

 

My words will not be good enough to comfort you nor that to say that I can fully understand the whole situation.  But, I am proud of you, Steve.  My prayers are with you and so are with the departed.  Your friend had his quality life shared together with you. 

 

You may want to use this space to find that peace, Steve.  You and I need it even if we are to think that we can be strong.  The lost of someone whom we loved takes time to heal.  

 

A big hug to you in this time of your deep sorrow.