The Good 31 Years

wilfgene · August 9, 2018

千里搭长栅

天下无不散的筵席

I just keep in mind the background of the character who said it.

Steve5380 · August 9, 2018

20 hours ago, shyc said:

Deepest condolences to your greatest lost. It is heartening to read that you are a very strong man and that your strength will bring you forward with little, but not any lesser pain. If only each and everyone of us can be like you, unfortunately life was not meant to be equals. We all grieve differently and some of us may not be as lucky to get out of it 'alive'. Only wish one day when the time comes to face such situations, we can be somewhat prepared to let nature take it's course. Reading the strengths and weaknesses faced by others hopefully can help steer our heart and mind towards a more compromising state.

Virtual hugs and sympathy to your loss. Hang in there.

Thank you Shyc. I am PHYSICALLY a strong man, and this is why I could do what I had to do these days with no problems, but I am EMOTIONALLY terribly weak and distraught. I cry (or rather shout) inconsolably seeing the tens of things that remind me of M. I ask him to console me and protect me with his spirit at my side. My son just came from far away and dropped by to be with me. I am fortunate having the support you all provide me. Four days after M's death I am already more calm, and I have hope for a new life. God bless you.

Steve5380 · August 9, 2018

13 hours ago, IkuTube said:

Dear Steve,

I cried hard reading your news as it was deja vu all over again.

My deepest condolences.

May his soul rest in peace.

Thank you for updating the situation. Often, I thought about it.

My words will not be good enough to comfort you nor that to say that I can fully understand the whole situation. But, I am proud of you, Steve. My prayers are with you and so are with the departed. Your friend had his quality life shared together with you.

You may want to use this space to find that peace, Steve. You and I need it even if we are to think that we can be strong. The lost of someone whom we loved takes time to heal.

A big hug to you in this time of your deep sorrow.

Dear iku Tube, your writings have been a blessing since you started this thread. Now that I have the experience you initially described, I feel even more identified with your thoughts. I don't think we need or should be strong. I accept my weakness and I am the most humble individual. Often we see how animals grieve, the animal standing besides his fallen companion for endless time in inclement weather... I understand this animal now, and I am no better nor worse. Grieving is not rational, we must let it happen and it will take its course. I am already joyful that my friend M is not suffering anymore, he is now healthy wherever he is. I am removing his medicines, his supplies, his products no more necessary. He will be here with me, in my spirit forever, healthy again like he was years ago. Now I am crying with less sorrow.

I want to be your friend. Steve.

IkuTube · August 10, 2018

10 hours ago, Steve5380 said:

.. but I am EMOTIONALLY terribly weak and distraught. I cry (or rather shout) inconsolably seeing the tens of things that remind me of M.

.. My son just came from far away and dropped by to be with me. I am fortunate having the support you all provide me. Four days after M's death I am already more calm, and I have hope for a new life.

Dear Steve,

It is normal to feel terribly weak and distraught. That's Love, Steve. You have just lost someone whom meant a world to you. Though it could be just four days after M's death, the separation from this departure will forever edge in your mind, in your heart. It is good to "hope for a new life" but let time heals you first.

I am glad to hear that your son came and that you are having support. Your grief is fresh and it is tidal for now. It is good to be surrounded with people who care and love you. IMHO, you need it.

My prayers are with you.

IkuTube · August 10, 2018

9 hours ago, Steve5380 said:

Now that I have the experience you initially described, I feel even more identified with your thoughts.

Fitz's death brings a lot of awareness about Life, to me. About the intricacies. About the expectations.

Other than honoring the beauty of his soul and the blessings that I am given to have shared his earthly journey, his death makes me to treasure quality on many things. Quality to be consciously good and walk the talk. Quality over quantity of friends. Quality on staying positive, stop the blame and taking full responsibility on my own thoughts, actions and reactions.

I learn sorrow is joy and joy is sorrow. It makes me more human. It makes me to humbly accept at the frailty of Life. It makes me to appreciate true feelings and to expand my empathy on humans.

The death of a very dear one is, totally, a different experience. Especially, when that very dear one is a companion, a friend, a lover and a partner. Especially, when that person brings meaning to another person. Especially, the relationship between two souls is cultivated towards the quality on long term common goals. Especially, when both material and immaterial worlds are shared without boundaries with no questions asked but by faith, hope and trust.

9 hours ago, Steve5380 said:

Grieving is not rational, we must let it happen and it will take its course. I am already joyful that my friend M is not suffering anymore, he is now healthy wherever he is. I am removing his medicines, his supplies, his products no more necessary. He will be here with me, in my spirit forever, healthy again like he was years ago.

You are right here, Steve,

.. that grieving is not rational. I learn when I embrace grief and not avoiding it, it makes me to understand myself better. That I am human with many imperfections.

.. that from now M is no longer suffering anymore. It is said that death is a beautiful thing and I want to believe that. When you think that M had enough, his death means there will be no sufferings, no more pains, no more discomforts. Often, it is (with respect) our selfishness that prolongs their sufferings.

Removing all his medicines, his supplies, his products will pain you a little. Each item signifies him. Each item brings memories of the up and down, the struggles and the hopes. You are doing the right thing to remove them. In my case, I donated Fitz's medicines to an hospice. Perhaps, it is my way to amend things.

Next, there will be his belongings. My advice, just be in the moment when you are clearing them. Stop and cry if you need. It is important that you feel you and not to dismiss the sorrow, the pain. I believe that we are allowed to feel that to make us strong.

bluesky69 · August 11, 2018

On 8/8/2018 at 7:43 PM, IkuTube said:

You are one nice guy. I am touched with your caring heart.

@IkuTube

Its the least I could offer.

I feel no one should walk this journey alone all the time.

bluesky69 · August 11, 2018

On 8/9/2018 at 7:38 AM, Steve5380 said:

It finally happened. My friend and companion of over 20 years died this Sunday in a hospital far away from home. I had driven him there to seek his attention by a group of doctors who specialize in his condition, and he had had a successful initial operation. He had two days of joy feeling relief, when he had an agitated episode of plummeting blood pressure and shortness of breath. A medical team helped him recover. A similar episode the next day brought him to the ICU (intensive care unit) There he had a third episode, and he was attached to a respirator machine and sedated to tolerate the tube in his mouth. This is the last time I saw him conscious. From there, ten days of increasing sepsis and pulmonary problems lead to the failure of his organs and I requested the removal of his artificial support. Then, accompanied by is brother and family, we saw him come to rest peacefully.

@Steve5380 My deepest condolences.

*HUGS*

Steve5380 · August 12, 2018

21 hours ago, bluesky69 said:

@Steve5380 My deepest condolences.

*HUGS*

Thank you.

On 8/10/2018 at 2:31 AM, IkuTube said:

Fitz's death brings a lot of awareness about Life, to me. About the intricacies. About the expectations.

Other than honoring the beauty of his soul and the blessings that I am given to have shared his earthly journey, his death makes me to treasure quality on many things. Quality to be consciously good and walk the talk. Quality over quantity of friends. Quality on staying positive, stop the blame and taking full responsibility on my own thoughts, actions and reactions.

I learn sorrow is joy and joy is sorrow. It makes me more human. It makes me to humbly accept at the frailty of Life. It makes me to appreciate true feelings and to expand my empathy on humans.

The death of a very dear one is, totally, a different experience. Especially, when that very dear one is a companion, a friend, a lover and a partner. Especially, when that person brings meaning to another person. Especially, the relationship between two souls is cultivated towards the quality on long term common goals. Especially, when both material and immaterial worlds are shared without boundaries with no questions asked but by faith, hope and trust.

You are right here, Steve,

.. that grieving is not rational. I learn when I embrace grief and not avoiding it, it makes me to understand myself better. That I am human with many imperfections.

.. that from now M is no longer suffering anymore. It is said that death is a beautiful thing and I want to believe that. When you think that M had enough, his death means there will be no sufferings, no more pains, no more discomforts. Often, it is (with respect) our selfishness that prolongs their sufferings.

Removing all his medicines, his supplies, his products will pain you a little. Each item signifies him. Each item brings memories of the up and down, the struggles and the hopes. You are doing the right thing to remove them. In my case, I donated Fitz's medicines to an hospice. Perhaps, it is my way to amend things.

Next, there will be his belongings. My advice, just be in the moment when you are clearing them. Stop and cry if you need. It is important that you feel you and not to dismiss the sorrow, the pain. I believe that we are allowed to feel that to make us strong.

I agree with everything you wrote, Iku. I try to reject self-pity, and what is left is pure sadness that M could not be there enjoying the improvements we were hoping for. Slowly this sadness gets neutralized by the joy that he is not sick anymore. He is completely healthy now. I have started to dispose of his medicines, supplies, and i cry often but feel relief that they are gone. I will slowly start with his clothes and other belongings, and I will surely cry much more. Like you say, we should embrace grief and let it change us. I think it increases our empathy, it makes us realize our insignificance and how precious this insignificance is. Strange thoughts have also crossed my mind, like a desire to leave his room intact like he left it behind. I understand, for example, the man in the story who after his mom died he brought her body to his attic and went up periodically to speak to her. But I reject such ideas, instead I imagine that M is at my side and I ask him to console me... and I feel that he does it by reducing my pain when I think of him. I am already "normal" most of the time and my crying of grief is less frequent. I thank heaven that I have no feelings of remorse for something i did or did not. We had a good relationship.

IkuTube · November 23, 2018

On 5/17/2018 at 8:36 PM, IkuTube said:

The Purpose of This Writing

This writing - and I shall confess that it comes with some emotional struggles - is my commitment to reach out to the gay community. It will be my story. It is written in memory of Fitz (not his real name).

Being a primary caregiver to cancer patient.

I hope to share what I am experiencing and learning. It has, somewhat, impacted my way of life. Still, this sharing is not the absolute right way nor it is the only utmost course. This writing is to bring awareness to others as this awareness has served me. I just want to reach out to those who might be in the need and whom might be in the same path.

Being a primary caregiver to cancer patient

This post is dedicated to all primary caregivers.

My respect to each one of you for doing such a noble task.

For the record, I am not a trained caregiver. I do not have a list of “How To”. I do not have the ultimate check list to provide for the right way with the caregivers' roles.

This sharing is from my personal experience when I took care of Fitz. It may not be the best nor the right way. Here, I just want to share about one of the nasty side effects on cancer treatment. Something that I went through when I had very little knowledge about it. Something that terrified me when it happened. Something that made me to feel very lost.

My intention to write about it is to give an insight. Hopefully, to bring peace of mind (not only for myself, in retrospect) but for any other gay partners who might go through the same experience. Hopefully, there will be understanding on the subject. Hopefully, should it happen to someone else, there is this little knowledge that is already made known here.

When Fitz was going through his chemotherapy treatment, I went through some period of anxiety. After one chemo to another, there was an increased side effect on his well being. Though I had been told by his oncologist about it, the reality was something that placed me helpless. I was not fully informed on the full extent. How it could change life in an instant. How it could be such a scary and worrying time. How the chemo drug could make a person to become extremely weak and fully exhausted.

Every time after a chemotherapy session – Fitz had 4 sessions, he was getting very weak. He did not have most of the common side effects of hair loss, nausea and vomiting or appetite changes. What he had was fatigue, extreme fatigue. The fatigue was not the same as feeling tired after not getting enough rest. He felt very tired and exhausted almost all the time. He could sleep for many hours every day.

The fatigue affected me as much it did him. He felt restless and listless. Sadly, I could not help much to make the situation better. All I could do was to make him feel comfortable and at peace. Made sure he ate something. Made sure that I was by his side as he wanted me to be around whenever he could open his eyes.

I could see how he fought it, how he wanted to stay awake so that he could spend time with me. How he could spend the days doing what he would always enjoy. How he would have his normal physical daily activities. When Fitz fought to stay awake, it pained me because I knew he was struggling.

The paralyzing fatigue terrified me, perhaps Fitz too. There were many days that I felt that I had lost him. It was a thought that I dared not share with others. I did not have the courage to share it.

Looking back, it is in such moment that the primary caregiver needs someone else to share what he is going through. It is a crucial moment not to be left isolated. It is a very devastating feeling to go through alone. It is when sharing the experience that gives comfort.

Steve5380 · November 23, 2018

9 hours ago, IkuTube said:

Being a primary caregiver to cancer patient

This post is dedicated to all primary caregivers.

My respect to each one of you for doing such a noble task.

For the record, I am not a trained caregiver. I do not have a list of “How To”. I do not have the ultimate check list to provide for the right way with the caregivers' roles.

----

IkuTube, your posts always lift my spirit.

I was never trained as a caregiver either. We don't need to consciously be a caregiver. It simply happens when a person we care for is in need. They would do it for us too, so it is a natural. After a while, when the needs of our beloved become more severe, we become more technical and able to do what a professional caregiver does. I had a fast learning from near zero to a good understanding of the illness of my friend M and his needs.

I come to realize that the death of M ended his suffering... and started mine. Oh, how would I love to be still his caregiver! Maybe one gets addicted to this, and it is not a hardship. M and I we were lucky that we had hope, and this kept us motivated until a very short time before his death. Much of my sorrow is the irony that he was close but not able to reach recovery and live a decent life thereafter. But he is in peace now, and I will be so too.

Yesterday was the Thanksgiving celebration here, and this was the first time in over 20 years he was not here with me. A little unusual but I got calls from my family that kept me on the positive side. This is being a unique experience for me, and it is making me a better person, strangely expanding my human family. Now I see others in the same precarious situation we all living creatures share. No more feelings of inferiority or superiority.

I wish you the best time as we end the year, and I am confident that you and me we are passing this severe test that qualifies us as real men. May your good 31 years extend to many more new ones, with new experience and understanding.

.

Edited November 24, 2018 by Steve5380

IkuTube · November 25, 2018

On 11/24/2018 at 6:02 AM, Steve5380 said:

I come to realize that the death of M ended his suffering... and started mine.

Much of my sorrow is the irony that he was close but not able to reach recovery and live a decent life thereafter. But he is in peace now, and I will be so too.

Yesterday was the Thanksgiving celebration here, and this was the first time in over 20 years he was not here with me. A little unusual but I got calls from my family that kept me on the positive side. This is being a unique experience for me, and it is making me a better person, strangely expanding my human family. Now I see others in the same precarious situation we all living creatures share. No more feelings of inferiority or superiority.

I wish you the best time as we end the year, and I am confident that you and me we are passing this severe test that qualifies us as real men. May your good 31 years extend to many more new ones, with new experience and understanding.

Thank you, @Steve5380.

As much that reading your post brings tears, recalling back on memories, I like to thank you for giving me the healing words to make me feel at peace. While it is true that death ends one suffering, the irony is, it does bring some form of hardship to the living. It is, somewhat, a forlorn journey onward. Much so when the departed is someone whom we have had shared everything. There are days that I think I am to live just because my time is not up yet.

Glad that there are people that check on you, Steve. Such thing will give you the needed courage and strength to move on, even if we are to claim that we are better. Acceptance, especially when the loss is emotionally, mentally and spiritually agonizing, takes time. There will be days when we could just break down without any warnings. I guess, it is this phase that changes our mindset.

Grief is, unfortunately, often misread. It can be a lonely feeling and it can injure and hurt emotionally. Not so much by other people or what they say or don't, but by our own dismay at losing a loved one.

Thank you for your well wishes. May that same loving gracious wish be upon you too, Steve. May there be peace and love beyond all understandings.

Thank you for sharing your story too. I am grateful that you are sharing it. Hopefully, there will be other Forum members that will come forward with their stories, as well.

Steve5380 · November 28, 2018

@IkuTube, after time passes and gives a better perspective, I start to wonder why nature makes the beginning and the end of our lives so painful. The beginning is painful for our mother, the end is painful for those we leave behind. I know that this may not have an answer, but one can speculate. Like the mother who gives birth is given a unique important life experience, to lose a beloved one can also be an important life experience. An opportunity to grow, to become stronger in the end. I personally have lost now a bunch of immature ideals of life. But I gain a new one: a purpose to save my beloved ones the grief of losing me, but return to a life perceived as happy, and give them the best I have for as long as possible. I can be thankful that it was not too late for me to learn this. Regards!

wilfgene · November 28, 2018

2 hours ago, Steve5380 said:

I personally have lost now a bunch of immature ideals of life.

But I gain a new one:

(a purpose to save my beloved ones the grief of losing me,

but return to a life perceived as happy,

and give them the best I have for as long as possible.)

I can be thankful that it was not too late for me to learn this. Regards!

:huh:

IkuTube · December 5, 2018

On 11/29/2018 at 12:02 AM, Steve5380 said:

@IkuTube, after time passes and gives a better perspective, I start to wonder why nature makes the beginning and the end of our lives so painful. The beginning is painful for our mother, the end is painful for those we leave behind. I know that this may not have an answer, but one can speculate. Like the mother who gives birth is given a unique important life experience, to lose a beloved one can also be an important life experience. An opportunity to grow, to become stronger in the end. I personally have lost now a bunch of immature ideals of life. But I gain a new one: a purpose to save my beloved ones the grief of losing me, but return to a life perceived as happy, and give them the best I have for as long as possible. I can be thankful that it was not too late for me to learn this. Regards!

Let's reverse that notion, "nature makes the beginning and the end of our lives so painful". When we see that every beginning and every end as not 'painful' but beneficial, gratifying and satisfying, this beginning and this end can be a valuable event. Of course, such is on a grandeur state of being. Nonetheless, for whatever the purpose is and as you mentioned, it is meant for "an opportunity to grow, to become stronger in the end".

(I omit the "why" because to give reasons to such a perplexed topic can be such a burden to the thinking mind. Every experience in one's life is unique and the right thing for one can be the opposite for another.)

Steve, while it is good to become aware "to save beloved ones the grief of losing (you)", I tend to think that nothing can really prepare the distraught grief from losing someone. Death, somehow, leaves a peculiar afflicted emotion. However, I applaud you for finding that purpose. I am sure, when there is love in what you are doing, the end results are filled with that sense of love in return.

As for me, "after time passes" and the experience "to lose a beloved one can also be an important life experience", I am seeing myself becoming more detached. It is not about being aloof but a detachment from all my external conditions. I am learning about life from an internal place. One thing I am doing is to empower all my loved ones (family, friends, etc) to know that I truly love them, not only with words but actions. I learn that when we can feel unconditional love, all things are possible. All sadness lessened.

Steve5380 · December 6, 2018

9 hours ago, IkuTube said:

Let's reverse that notion, "nature makes the beginning and the end of our lives so painful". When we see that every beginning and every end as not 'painful' but beneficial, gratifying and satisfying, this beginning and this end can be a valuable event. Of course, such is on a grandeur state of being. Nonetheless, for whatever the purpose is and as you mentioned, it is meant for "an opportunity to grow, to become stronger in the end".

You are right, every beginning and end is beneficial in its way, and many ends are opportunities to grow and get stronger.

I am conflicted in that I alternately see it this way (being positive) and the other way (being negative). When I write out the positives, I do it also to myself to stay aware of them, and indeed when grief comes back I can conjure strength like I do lifting weights in the gym, and this makes me feel strong and powerful.

But still the negative creeps in. Already four months since the death of M, it still hurts like the first day, although it is less prevalent. I wonder why nature gives us this painful grief. Could it not have designed us with kinder ways to grow? I feel the loss of M as an irreparable loss forever. The only way to get rid of this grief completely is suicide, of course out of the question. It is better to work to limit its scope.

9 hours ago, IkuTube said:

Steve, while it is good to become aware "to save beloved ones the grief of losing (you)", I tend to think that nothing can really prepare the distraught grief from losing someone. Death, somehow, leaves a peculiar afflicted emotion. However, I applaud you for finding that purpose. I am sure, when there is love in what you are doing, the end results are filled with that sense of love in return.

You are right again. We don't get prepared for grieving like that. And I am dissatisfied with nature because we may not realize how much we love the deceased until he dies. In my case, I would not have thought that I loved M so much all along. It was "natural" that he was there, like other things in my life. HAD I KNOWN, I would have been much more loving and ready to make him happy. Now all I can do is to learn from this experience and apply the learning to others, like you write:

9 hours ago, IkuTube said:

As for me, "after time passes" and the experience "to lose a beloved one can also be an important life experience", I am seeing myself becoming more detached. It is not about being aloof but a detachment from all my external conditions. I am learning about life from an internal place. One thing I am doing is to empower all my loved ones (family, friends, etc) to know that I truly love them, not only with words but actions. I learn that when we can feel unconditional love, all things are possible. All sadness lessened.

I am also more detached now, with much fewer things that are important. For instance, I am not very important anymore. My spirit has suddenly aged 20 years, which is proper since it never kept up with my chronological age, and I think it is still lagging behind with the child in me still going strong. And so I will try to keep it, young at heart and optimistic. I will follow your path to be naturally inclined to love, and let sadness be lessening.

.

Edited December 6, 2018 by Steve5380

IkuTube · December 6, 2018

Thank you for this beautiful dialogue, @Steve5380.

13 hours ago, Steve5380 said:

You are right, every beginning and end is beneficial in its way, and many ends are opportunities to grow and get stronger.

I am conflicted in that I alternately see it this way (being positive) and the other way (being negative). When I write out the positives, I do it also to myself to stay aware of them, and indeed when grief comes back I can conjure strength like I do lifting weights in the gym, and this makes me feel strong and powerful.

But still the negative creeps in. Already four months since the death of M, it still hurts like the first day, although it is less prevalent. I wonder why nature gives us this painful grief. Could it not have designed us with kinder ways to grow? I feel the loss of M as an irreparable loss forever. The only way to get rid of this grief completely is suicide, of course out of the question. It is better to work to limit its scope.

Right is relative, Steve. Nonetheless, I connect with your sharing.

It is alright to have both positive and negative within - after all, it is the nature of being a human. And, just like how nature is with the Universal Law of 70 - 30, it is all about being in equilibrium. Importantly, it is the awareness to make things right that is crucial.

I am accepting that "nature gives us this painful grief". While it hurts so bad, while I have void inside me after Fitz passed on, I am accepting that I have to be a part of nature to all that is happening. There must be something purposeful that I need to learn or perhaps, re-learn. It is my acceptance that there is beauty in nature and it has a profound effect upon my (our) senses.

The one thing that I see is that you had a wonderful blissful life with M. He gave you so much (and I am sure you did the same thing to him too) that his death devastated the next part of your life. You lost a part of you with his departure. His death has handicapped you emotionally and perhaps, mentally too. Like you, the loss of Fitz is my "irreparable loss forever" too.

I understand when you wrote "The only way to get rid of this grief completely is suicide, of course out of the question". I understand that feeling and I know that "suicide" is "of course out of the question". It is just a metaphorical expression as you feel void within.

13 hours ago, Steve5380 said:

We don't get prepared for grieving like that. And I am dissatisfied with nature because we may not realize how much we love the deceased until he dies. In my case, I would not have thought that I loved M so much all along. It was "natural" that he was there, like other things in my life. HAD I KNOWN, I would have been much more loving and ready to make him happy.

This is the irony to life, Steve. As much we gave our everything to our late partners knowing on their numbered days, there will always be something else amiss when they are gone. Perhaps, it is our human nature that we often take things for granted. Perhaps, it is (our) guilt. Perhaps, it a feeling of not good enough.

Steve, I am learning not to say "had I known". That thought, that phrase does not help me much to unlock my healing process.

I want to believe that M wants you to move on. I believe he is thankful to all that you had done to and for him. Now, it is about you taking care of yourself and taking charge to make your days better. I want to believe that is what Fitz wants me to do too.

Steve5380 · December 8, 2018

On 12/6/2018 at 8:44 AM, IkuTube said:

Steve, I am learning not to say "had I known". That thought, that phrase does not help me much to unlock my healing process.

I want to believe that M wants you to move on. I believe he is thankful to all that you had done to and for him. Now, it is about you taking care of yourself and taking charge to make your days better. I want to believe that is what Fitz wants me to do too.

Thank you Iku. I think that you are on the best, most positive track to recovery.

I might get there too. Today I made the resolution to tone down my agnosticism, rational mind, and start believing that my friend M is often at my side, invisible and aware of my feelings, mentally speaking to me. I will start to believe that he and me we will meet again in an afterlife.

Meanwhile I keep my habits unchanged: workout in the gym, eating good food, sleeping well. He should feel proud of me, and confident that his passing away does not cause me any damage. The positives of it will last forever. So I will see, an agnostic is not an atheist and everything is possible.

raind · December 25, 2018

Hi @IkuTube

i just wanna thank you for your sharing about F. It touched me and brought back memories of the many challenges I faced when I looked after my mum who had dementia. And I totally connected with what you shared about the loss, the grieve and how you manage it. It touched a cord in me too.

As I read your sharing, I teared and it reminded me of the rawness of my emotions as I struggled with the passing of my mum (although I was very at peace at the moment of her passing, I knew it was her time and I knew I had done my best). But then, I know the context is different but the emotions and the process you shared resonated with me. I am glad you have the support of people around you. This is something that many of us hoped for, and not many have the privilege to have.

Shan’t write too much here except to once again thank you and I will be happy to be able to connect and be your friend if fate allows.

I wish you well and may you be happy always.

And oh, a separate thing - I particularly enjoyed the fact that I am reading proper English for once in the forum. So... yeah, thanks again.

IkuTube · December 26, 2018

Dear @raind,

Thank you for this writing. It comes at a time when I am questioning about grief. About how this sorrowful emotion can scale up with different perspectives from different walks of life.

Personally, my grief has made me to re-think about this intense sorrowful emotion too. How much can a grieving person grieves? How long is he allowed to grief? Does grief have a place in society?

I am wishing you well too, raind.

glowingember · December 26, 2018

”I’ve never imagined one day I’ll be like this”

“Treat yourself well”

”Go buy that thing you’ve always wanted for yourself”

”if there’s reincarnation, this is her chance to get a healthy new body”

”Did I make the right decision?”

“Yes I did”

”If she can see me, does she want me to grieve or be happy?”

Maybe it’s my age.

Maybe because of a recent passing...these words materialise often in my mind and served as tools for me to stay positive.

The last sentence is my mantra to feel life. I hope it helps you too.

IkuTube · December 27, 2018

14 hours ago, glowingember said:

Maybe because of a recent passing...these words materialise often in my mind and served as tools for me to stay positive.

The last sentence is my mantra to feel life. I hope it helps you too.

Those phrases are, indeed, beautiful!

Not to jump into conclusion, there was a death recently, @glowingember? My condolences.

"If she can see me, does she want me to grieve or be happy?" -- Powerful insight.

I have often reminded myself to continue to live the way of life as it is, with awareness and consciousness. I believe, when the departed looks down on us, he/she wants us to be happy. It is (probably my way of thinking) also a way for him/her to walk 'Home' with joy and peace; that all is good and well. That, one day, we will meet again.

Thank you, glowingember.

IkuTube · August 27, 2019

Make It Right

When this thread started, I did mention that I hoped to share on

On 5/17/2018 at 8:36 PM, IkuTube said:

How to (hopefully) survive a gay relationship

As in all human relationships, the only possible bridge that keeps people together is conversation. We need to talk. The relationship demands for people to reach out to each other. To understand each thought process and the emotional being deeper and not to take things at superficial levels. Assuming things and jumping into conclusions, without fully understand the reasons behind every acts and reactions, will only make a crack between individuals wider.

In the process to engage conversation, have an open mind. Have a heart and leave any rising judgement away. Do not set expectations. It is in listening that we understand. When one truly listens and not prompted to reply that a story told can be meaningful. No one can fully understand another as we come from different background, different experiences, different know-how, different understanding.

Engage conversation at all times. When there is love, nothing is too much trouble, there is always time. It is when there are excuses that a problem can set in. The only good story left in all human relationship is when time and space are created and a good sharing is shared and told.

Love is love and it is powerful when it is genuinely shared. When two different goals from two different individuals can meet at a common ground. When different individuals motivate each other for a higher purpose, a higher intent. Life, afterall, is about learning and we must tell ourselves that there is so much to learn.

Do not waste time in petty and trivial matters. Speak the truth from the heart and be in heartfulness of compassion and love. When two individuals in a relationship want to make it right, put aside all blame. Put away all bitterness. Instead, take full responsibility for everything that happen. Talk things nicely, objectively.

Every problems do have solutions but only when the mind is properly focused. Focus that there is a good way out, something that can be compromised to make things possible again. Focus on something positive to make the relationship right. Focus on all the days, the weeks, the months and the years that have brought the two of you together here today. Why waste on something easily?

Forgiveness is a virtue of the brave. When we can fully accept that we are not perfect, it is easier to choose to forgive.

I am a believer that gay relationship can work, can last. The one question to ask is whether you want to put faith in making it work, in making it to last?

Have trust. It is with trust that the discovery of one true essence and identity can be discovered. And, that is the reason to all existence.

male3x · September 1, 2019

@IkuTube

I just came across this article and hope you are coping well. You are very fortunate to have both families and close friends supporting you.

Thank you for sharing your valuable experience, it has indeed enlighten me. I wouldn't know how I will cope when the time comes. On the contrary, we are not open to our families and friends thus may not have the support like you did. But at least now, I know what to expect.

Big hugs to you.

Edited September 1, 2019 by male3x
Error

feedersmiracle · September 1, 2019

Reading stories like this always makes me afraid of the future and the relationships that I have, be it a lover or a friend, as I have never experienced someone close to me leave the realm of the living... I have no idea how to prepare myself at all. My mum's parents have passed on when I was super young, the age that you don't know what's going on... and my dad's parents are still alive albeit old, and starting to get more and more health complications. Both of them don't eat a lot, and have lost a lot of weight...

Edited September 1, 2019 by feedersmiracle
Punctuation is important.

IkuTube · September 4, 2019

On 9/1/2019 at 12:23 PM, male3x said:

@IkuTube

I just came across this article and hope you are coping well. You are very fortunate to have both families and close friends supporting you.

Thank you for sharing your valuable experience, it has indeed enlighten me. I wouldn't know how I will cope when the time comes. On the contrary, we are not open to our families and friends thus may not have the support like you did. But at least now, I know what to expect.

Big hugs to you.

Thank you for reading it, @male3x. It is my desire to share the story so that we can learn from each other. It is in such informed sharing that becomes meaningful and helping to guide when the need arises.

IkuTube · September 4, 2019

On 9/1/2019 at 12:33 PM, feedersmiracle said:

.. Both of them don't eat a lot, and have lost a lot of weight...

Hope that they are well.

IkuTube · September 4, 2019

Things That Love Can Do

As months become years, there are people that start to notice of Fitz’s absence. I have been approached by (not so closed) friends, distant family members, immediate neighbors and clients. People whom wonder why there is no more Fitz around me. Why, and how come, am I by myself these days? Why, and how come, am I doing things on my own?

These are people that used to see me with Fitz. They would often see that I am always be doing things together with Fitz, even to the neighborhood barber shop. Or to the market. The florist at my market, where we used to buy fresh flowers weekly, cries when I told her that Fitz has passed away.

In somewhat way, it does touch me that they asked. It gives me huge encouraging peace that Fitz is well remembered. It implies, without them fully knowing the reality, the fact that Fitz is a big part of me. People are generally asking, “I am sorry but I wonder how come I have not seen Fitz around lately?” I do feel their discomfort in asking me that question.

Very often, I could sense that they feel awkward to ask. Especially when they do not know about my true relationship with Fitz. All that they dwell is only suspicion. But, I guess, curiosity does kill the cat. When they are told that Fitz has passed away, most of them are shocked. Most feel sad, some openly cried. Some scolded me for not telling them and I understand that feeling-sorry feeling.

What is surprising is my sharing that comes after that.

The lesson of death teaches me to be bold. I surprise myself at how I share and open up with them. I am surprised at things that love can do. I have no qualms about telling them that Fitz was my partner. My old self would be apprehensive with sharing the truth. In particular, to openly declare about my orientation. But the lesson of death teaches me that life is magic. Death of loved ones can inspire life. It gives me that quiet courage and strength to stand for myself. To stand proud for Fitz and for the good life that we built and shared.

I remember sharing with my young adult nieces that Fitz and I are a gay couple. They gave me a good hug and thanked me for telling them the truth.

I remember revealing to my clients about my 31 years' relationship with Fitz. Most of them hoped that I had been more open to tell them years back.

I remember confiding my emotional pain with my religious sisters. Reassuringly, they said that I will still be their brother, regardless my orientation.

I remember disclosing to my cousins, aunties and uncles when they asked about the flat. That we are partners and not just good friends living under one roof.

I remember informing a business associate of my true orientation when asked whether I am interested to be a business partner.

Yes! I feel proud to be associated with Fitz. Nothing can take the truth away and it is pointless to deny it.

As I now look back, I begin to see that death is sacred. There is divinity in passing. That when someone good passes away, only the good deeds are remembered. Humans see the good things and not to trivialize on petty stuffs.

Fitz's departure teaches me to make sure that I live with good intentions, to be a good person. To live a life with purpose and to be a useful BE-ing with that purpose. It will be good to make things right without expectations, without judgements.

Grief is an expression of love that continues after death. I shouldn’t expect my grief to ever end completely. While the grief can be emotionally painful, it is the same grief that gives meaning to life. Life must go on and it has to move on. It is how, as I believe it, that life is appreciated and treasured.

Life needs courage. It takes courage to live. It takes courage to remain alive. It takes courage to pivot. It is then fair to say that without courage, there would be no life. Courage is what it takes to stand up. Courage is also what it takes to breathe and live.

feedersmiracle · September 5, 2019

23 hours ago, IkuTube said:

Hope that they are well.

They are well enough to last a few more Chinese New Years, but who are we kidding, they definitely won't be living forever...

IkuTube · September 12, 2019

All alone, I have started my journey

To the darkness of darkness I go

With a reason, I stopped for a moment

In this world full of pleasure so frail

Town after town on I travel

Pass through faces I know and know not

Like a bird in flight, sometimes I topple

Time and time again, just farewells

Donde voy, donde voy?

Day by day, my story unfolds

Solo estoy, solo estoy

All alone, as the day I was born

Till your eyes rest in mine, I shall wander

No more darkness I know and know not

For your sweetness, I traded my freedom

Not knowing, a farewell awaits

You know hearts can be repeatedly broken

Making roads, for the harrows to came

Along, with my sorrows I buried

My tears, my smiles, your name

Donde voy, donde voy?

Songs of lovetales, I sing of no more

Solo estoy, solo estoy

Once again with my shadows I roam

Donde voy, donde voy?

All alone as the day I was born

Solo estoy, solo estoy

Still alone, with my shadows I roam

IkuTube · September 16, 2019

A Beautiful Life

Last Saturday was such a beautiful day that ended delightfully. It was a day of love. That afternoon, I was with some friends attending a seminar. It was an awareness and motivational event. It was an event where participants shared uplifting stories. They shared stories on motivation and where it led to one’s happiness that led to success in their lives. There were about twenty attendees.

After the seminar, my friends and I had a good dinner, followed with drinks. It was the usual thing that we would normally do whenever we met. I learned many things from these good friends. They inspired life. One of them shared about a message that she received earlier. She shared –

"Every minute someone leaves this world behind.

We are all in “the line” without knowing it.

We never know how many people are before us.

We can not move to the back of the line.

We can not step out of the line.

We can not avoid the line.

So while we wait in line -

Make moments count.

Make priorities.

Make the time.

Make your gifts known.

Make a nobody feel like a somebody.

Make your voice heard.

Make the small things big.

Make someone smile.

Make the change.

Make up. Make peace.

Make sure to tell your people they are loved.

Make sure to have no regrets.

Make sure you are ready."

I felt it was such a wonderful reminder. It would warm the world if only each one of us could exercise it.

As I took the train home after the gathering, I was synchronously accompanied by good sights. Two stations ahead, from where I took my train, boarded two separate couples. I was pleasantly engaged at these two couples. I suspected they were gays.

One was an elderly couple; probably in their 50s. As though it was meant to be, the two of them sat beside me. They were having good conversation, though I could hardly hear them. Through the reflection of the glass opposite us, I saw that they had such a joyful conversation. Often they smiled. Often they looked at each other.

When they were getting off and when the train stopped, the younger guy held the hand of the older one to lend a support. I felt their love, their care. Somehow, I felt that they had been together for many years. I also sensed that they could be members of this Forum.

Another was a young couple, probably in their early 30s. They were standing near the door. I thought that was a nice loving gesture, though there was one empty seat near them. Contrary to the elderly couple, these two young gentlemen were busy with their phones. Their body language spoke the language of love. I felt how they wanted to be close to each other telepathically. Every now and then, they came closer to one another. As they did that, they looked at each other and there was that special smile and loving glances between them.

It was a day of such good reflection. Of good memories brought back. I thanked the Divinity for showing me what good life can be. The beautiful life to be at peace, to make peace.

To these two couples, I wish them the best of everything. "Thank You" for reminding me about Love. "Thank You" for acting out the acts of Love. May there be many more good years, in their lives, to spend together.

Eastman · September 19, 2019

Thank you for sharing your life story.

IkuTube · September 30, 2019

A Touching Eulogy

The other night, I was watching a TV Series ("Pose" to be more precise) and there was a touching eulogy. I felt very moved with the script, something that (when listened and reflected carefully) could be a valuable life lesson to all of us, the living.

The eulogy .. (I adapted the script and underlined what I felt was valuable):

"She (the deceased) said (funerals) were a waste because only the living get to partake. The departed are just propped up for viewing. Unable to see who showed up. Unable to hear who cried out. Unable to respond, to speak their final truths.

We all have so much that we want to say to the deceased that will have to remain unspoken. We will never again get the opportunity to tell the deceased that she (the deceased) meant to us. To thank her for what she gave us. And, to give her the grandest, shiniest **** trophy for her contribution to our community.

But, unfinished business is the burden of the living. We are charged to continue on, living through this tragedy .. "

Steve5380 · October 2, 2019

On 8/31/2019 at 11:33 PM, feedersmiracle said:

Reading stories like this always makes me afraid of the future and the relationships that I have, be it a lover or a friend, as I have never experienced someone close to me leave the realm of the living... I have no idea how to prepare myself at all. My mum's parents have passed on when I was super young, the age that you don't know what's going on... and my dad's parents are still alive albeit old, and starting to get more and more health complications. Both of them don't eat a lot, and have lost a lot of weight...

The loss of a beloved can be an experience like no other. I had never had it until a year ago when my bf passed away. And at that time I was already in my mid 70s.

It can be a loss one may never recover from. But it is character forming, an experience that without it, a life is not complete. It can end the illusion, the lightly way we go about life with a mentality we may keep from childhood into old age. It may shake our convictions of what it means to be a living creature.

How to prepare for it? Hard to say... but I think that what helps is to have a clean conscience, a feeling that one has been a positive influence in the life of the person deceased. You have now the opportunity to do good things for the elders in your family, to contribute even so little to their happiness. Of course your parents may be still young, but you could already gift them with your attention and care. This will mitigate one day the suffering of your grieving, but it may not eliminate it completely. What remains will be one of the burdens we have to carry for being a living creature. If we accept this, we can recover happiness in our life.

Steve5380 · October 2, 2019

On 9/30/2019 at 7:18 AM, IkuTube said:

We all have so much that we want to say to the deceased that will have to remain unspoken. We will never again get the opportunity to tell the deceased that she (the deceased) meant to us. To thank her for what she gave us. And, to give her the grandest, shiniest **** trophy for her contribution to our community.

But, unfinished business is the burden of the living. We are charged to continue on, living through this tragedy .. "

A life together is a continuous, never ending business. A passing away necessarily leaves it unfinished. But also the deceased will never again have the opportunity to convey his good emotions to the surviving party. It is a mutual break up. But, as much as we know, it is the surviving party the one who keeps suffering, grieving, while the deceased is in peace. And it is an act of love to be satisfied to be the party that suffers, rather than our departed beloved one.

IkuTube · October 2, 2019

5 hours ago, Steve5380 said:

A life together is a continuous, never ending business. A passing away necessarily leaves it unfinished. But also the deceased will never again have the opportunity to convey his good emotions to the surviving party. It is a mutual break up. But, as much as we know, it is the surviving party the one who keeps suffering, grieving, while the deceased is in peace. And it is an act of love to be satisfied to be the party that suffers, rather than our departed beloved one.

Thank you, Steve. It is a beautiful sharing.

IkuTube · November 1, 2019

“Do You Feel Lonely?”

Every now and then, there are friends that ask me, “Do you feel lonely?” These are friends that wonder how do I spend my days. How do I spend the time, with days or weeks, not to socialize much. That I will only be out of the house only to attend to work related activities and be back home.

While I keep in touch with family members and friends through text messaging, I feel that is enough to keep my social life active. I still feel connected with them. Somehow, the joy is much more when I dedicate my time doing nothing. Doing nothing, as it is said, is much a difficult task than to do something. But the rewards of doing nothing bring great quality to life.

I still enjoy meeting people, but quality people. The good conversation keeps my mind calm. I still have meals with my family members and very close friends. These are people that I want to appreciate for being a big part of me.

The connection with quality people makes me to acquaint with my true feelings. It has become important for me to re-connect with my soul. Perhaps, it has to do with age too. For now, to have a good relationship with myself is a chance to see the light within and around me, to move forward to what I really find a higher purpose.

Grieve has a way in making people to go inside. It is doing that to me. Not in a lonely way but it empowers the courage to be alive. My grief makes me stronger in my passion to help individuals to achieve their aims in life. My grief makes me to ‘come home’ to love myself. Love within creates more love outside me. It gives me what I want in the best way possible.

Loneliness is a state of mind. Even when we are surrounded with people, we can still feel lonely. No man is an island and for that, I feed my mind to find for meaning. What I found is the comfort of solitude. Solitude is not a bad thing when we subtract away the feeling of self-pity.

There are many good things that can come out from being in solitude. Science has shown good reasons to spend time alone. Being alone with oneself does not have to be bad. It can improve creativity, confidence and help to manage better emotions to deal with adverse situations.

Nurturing the sense of being alone and enjoying solitude help to develop individuals to their sense of Self, to what the true interests in life are. Taking it positively, it can have a calming effect that prepares individuals to engage with others. Solitude increases the feeling of empathy.

I often reply back to my friends that I do not know how to answer their question. I am alone but not lonely. I am lonely but not alone.

On reflection, how I come into this world and the time that I shall go home, aka death, is all on a journey of ‘a-lone’. Does this feeling have to be lonely? It is a state of mind but I must be fully aware the thin line of feeling lonely and depressed to a feeling where doing nothing is about giving something to myself.

Perhaps, it is because I also believe that peace has to start from me. And, the motto that I have to take full responsibility for anything and everything that is happening to me, to my life. Nobody is to be blamed.

Lemonjuice · November 1, 2019

On 5/17/2018 at 10:44 PM, IkuTube said:

One Year On

Today, more than a year has passed and I still miss him badly. I will always miss him. Fitz is a great loss; there is something inside me that dies with his passing. It breaks my heart to lose him. The reality that he is no longer here will always cause me pain. All that I can offer, from the day God took him home, is my prayer that he rests in peace forever. Fitz is now a memory and it is a very treasured memory to live by.

Today, I learn that saying goodbye is also teaching me to grow. Every ending is another beginning. I learn to count on my blessings. My life story with Fitz is one great blessing. I have had a beautiful life.

Today, I learn to live in the present and there is no other happier and peaceful way I can live but to be in that presence.

Fitz, you will always be remembered. You will be forever missed. While you were here, you touched the hearts of all who knew you. Time will pass but all the memories of you will stay in our hearts. In my heart. They are forever treasured.

I love you and will always love you.

“Fitz is now a memory ... “ This sentence is hopeful and put such grief and moment of loss into a total surrender.

Until once again you meet him in a different form of life...and to walk home together side by side..

male3x · November 3, 2019

Fitz is indeed lucky to have you as his partner, soulmate, lover, confidante. I hope your grief will turn it to a memory and that you will find comfort. God bless you!

IkuTube · November 5, 2019

On 11/2/2019 at 12:59 AM, Lemonjuice said:

“Fitz is now a memory ... “ This sentence is hopeful and put such grief and moment of loss into a total surrender.

Until once again you meet him in a different form of life...and to walk home together side by side..

Thank you, @Lemonjuice. I love your phrase "total surrender". Indeed, with the awareness to surrender everything in life that many more loving opportunities can take place. Change is constant and we have to be accepting and in total acceptance to it.

On 11/3/2019 at 11:45 AM, male3x said:

Fitz is indeed lucky to have you as his partner, soulmate, lover, confidante. I hope your grief will turn it to a memory and that you will find comfort. God bless you!

Thank you, @male3x. Knowing Fitz was a blessing to me too. He was a wonderful partner, soulmate, lover and confidante too.

God bless you too, male3x.

IkuTube · November 7, 2019

On Legal Matters

Those intending to draw up Lasting Power of Attorney (LPA), here is a chance to do it free until August 2020.

https://www.msf.gov.sg/opg/Pages/Home.aspx

For simple Will, consider doing it via ..

https://www.ocbc.com/personal-banking/lifegoals/willgenerator/#/

IkuTube · November 1, 2020

The way I see my life shapes my life

What's the bigger purpose of life?

Must there be one? Is there more than one purpose? Does it make any difference knowing there is or there isn't? Does it resolve any meaning to our existence? How do we determine the purpose or purposes?

To have a purpose, so said most spiritual teachings, it drives a person to become useful with the journey in his life. It provides insights to the question 'Who Am I?' and, probably, to what on earth am I here for? Eventually, it leads one to discover the answer to life's most important question to his existence. At that point, it is how all the pieces of one's life fit together.

While the answer often urges to give some thoughts on 'What is life's purpose?', does life without purpose put life to be without meaning, without direction and without reason? Does life without a purpose suggest that life is trivial, petty and pointless?

Having the answers to Purpose give perspective and does it simplify one's journey? Will its answers raise hope?

Introspectively, we need hope to cope. Hope is as essential to life as air and water. Hope comes from having a purpose. Hope reduces stress. It simplifies decisions and increases satisfaction. Hope gives us to discover and, most importantly, prepares us for eternity.

Does Purpose place a person to have focus? Does knowing your purpose give meaning to your life?

Here's the irony.

We are all here, in this life, possess a higher purpose. We are all here to do more with life. We want to matter and to make a difference in the world, at work, or in someone else's life. We are social animals. We live in groups, work together and extending to help each other to accomplish meaningful tasks.

This trait and quality of sociality point to purpose. We, knowingly or unknowingly, want others to 'see' us and really 'see' us for who we are and for what we can offer to the world. This yearning is not merely that we exist but we matter, that what we are doing with our lives is important and appreciated.

Without us realizing, at our higher consciousness, each one of us wants to become an instrument to each other. When we have a definite reason for living, our purpose will drive us toward a happy and fulfilling destination.

Purpose gives us hope. It is the gateway to engagement and to give motivation for actions. It gives us the energy to move forward. Ultimately, purpose is the connection between what we do and why we do it.

Purpose serves as moral compass. It is our internal guidance that makes us human beings and not human doings. It builds and strengthens our characters. At its heart, purpose grounds us and makes us to be conscious human beings.

Living on purpose is the only way to really live our life, "unless you assume a God, the question of life's purpose is meaningless (Bertrand Russell)". Life is, generally, daunting. Often we feel good and meaningless in between cycles. Life is a potpourri. It never promises to be fair nor it is not; full of unpredictable twists and turns.

Here's the truth.

Each one of us exist on this earth for some unknown period of time. During that time, we do many things. Some of these things are important, while others are not. The important things give us meaning. They give us happiness too. The unimportant ones are just to let time to pass.

To live life is a mission in itself. We are here for a reason and let that reason be a good one. Let our body and our mind filled the container of the soul with quality stuffs. Let our souls be full of good contents - of forgiveness, love, peace and compassion.

So while we are still here, it will do us good should we are to ask ourselves this question - What should I do with my life? What can I offer with my time to make life counts? Life is, after all, more of a journey than a destination. Live and let live.

IkuTube · November 24, 2020

How Did I Survive The 31 Good Years
Part One

I want to believe on this saying - "When anyone is in a good relationship, he learns". Today, I wish that I have learned to be a better person. I wish that I can be a good divine instrument to humanity till the day that I am taken away.

The desire to learn, to become a good holistic person in every aspects in its whole entirety, shapes the will to live. It generates the intention and inspires the will into goals and motivation, knowingly and unknowingly. For a good relationship, it is the foundation that builds all the pillars and the dedication for the relationship to last. It gives meaning, as well a purpose too, and the strength and test on how to live lives. It grips on all differences, where life differs, to fall on common grounds and establishes respectful base with acceptance.

But -
How do we define a good fulfilling relationship?
How and what can a person learn in a good relationship?
What are the signs that a couple is in a healthy relationship?

A good healthy relationship means different things to different people. Some relationships can be mainly sexual but all good healthy relationships embodies on people respecting each other. There ought to have a feeling towards a longing, not to be taken in a sad way. We need to ask this difficult yet essential question - 'What do we really want in life?'. We ought to have wishful thinking and transformed it into the process for thoughtful wishing.

In a good healthy relationship, the couple is able to communicate clearly. A good relationship, as far as I am concerned, is about two people who can respect space. This space is about the freewill, the power of acting without the constraint of necessity, yet it is not about letting the mind with the choice to roam free wildly.

In this space, there must be increased consciousness to act at one's own discretion yet to reclaim clarity of visions between two individuals (the couple). Happy couples typically share a similar vision towards balancing imbalances and shortcomings. In that shared vision, there are rooms for equal rights, equal opportunities and equal responsibilities.

Believe. Trust. Hope.

For any relationship to be in a good healthy state, there must have all these core values working with each other - all the time.

They are Believe, Trust and Hope.

Believe is a voice for love that builds trust. Without it, there is no real security in the relationship. The value of believe is priceless. When two people can comprehend to believe and place trust and hope together, these values become the integral to a happy and fulfilling relationship. Humans require believe, trust and hope to develop over time to build for successful and meaningful relationships.

IkuTube · November 24, 2020

How Did I Survive The 31 Good Years
Part Two

The First Night

Fitz and I were normal growing young adults. We met when Internet and mobile phones were not norms. When been gay, in the 80s, was hush hush and the AIDS epidemic made homosexuality a negative thing.

We had just started to build our careers. We were in our twenties. He was in engineering field and I was in banking (which I pursued for the next ten years and had it changed completely). We were not fully sure what we truly wanted in life then. But, we wanted to enjoy our lives. We wanted to be free spirited yet we aimed to be accomplished individuals. We had our own dreams. At that young age, we dreamt to be independent and to own a property some day.

Our relationship did not happen overnight. On the night that we met, falling in love was not the plan. Yes, we wanted to be in love, to have a relationship but not to find it that night. We were out by the Singapore River - it was a cruisy spot those days, not to cruise but to unwind some events that each one of us was going through. We sat about 50 metres apart and not knew that we were both there. Separately, we sat there all alone for few hours into our own dark world with our own problems. We had our past to deal with. Fitz was distancing himself with a crush while I was nursing myself with a broken heart.

It was about 11 p.m. and the night was getting late. We had to catch our last bus home. There was no MRT yet then. By some strange ways, we both acted at the same time and stood up. We immediately felt each other's presence. From one strange way to another, we felt connected. I looked at him and he looked at me, though we could not see each other faces clearly.

It took us awhile before we decided to make contact. We looked at each other's direction, hoping that we both felt each other's presence. It was the sign that most gays gave to indicate some interest. We made small steps to inch closer. The act was deliberate - guessed, we did not want to waste our time. When we finally got to see the faces, we greeted each other with a smile.

That smile broke all things. Something good was happening. Somehow, we forgot all about our problems. We made small talks and started to enjoy each other's company. Unanticipatedly, there was no rush to go home; though it was past midnight. I knew my parents would be angry and surely nagged at me but it didn't matter. It was for him too. Good thing, it was a Friday and we did not have to work the next day.

We continued to stay around. We made small talks, nothing personal. Somehow or other, not spoken it loud, we did not want to leave. We played guessing games so that we could go on and on. Loser of the game had to buy supper, as we did not want to stay by Singapore River much longer. I lost the game. We headed to Pan Pacific Hotel for the late night Teochew porridge for the prize.

We chatted the whole time till the early morning. Somehow, we were happy. Somehow, we had forgotten our problems. Perhaps, Cupid had his arrows on us on that beautiful night. Little we expected that that night turned out to be where 'till death do us part' took its beginning. It was the start of the many good years ahead of us.

We grew to like each other very much after that. We did not hide our feelings. We made them known everyday. Yes, we met everyday after work and on weekends too. We were closely akin to two insecure young adults. We kept telling each other how we both really felt, almost needy for each other. In somewhat ways, we constantly made sure that both of us knew how and what we went through with our days.

We invented codes with our pager - it was the most advanced technology then - to send unique messages all throughout the day. It was mushy indeed but we felt good. We sent each other messages 123 to mean 'I love you' and 987 to be 'I miss you'.

Two weeks later, Fitz asked me whether I wanted to be in a relationship with him. Whether I was prepared to be his partner. Whether we would want to take a bigger step and be committed to each other.

Within three months, Fitz and I decided to tie the knot. We wanted the symbol of the wedding ring to signify our lifelong commitment and love. We wanted the world to know that we knew what we wanted in our lives. We threw a simple wedding reception, signed on a self-made marriage certificate and had a sit-down banquet with some (straight) good friends. On that eventful day, we vowed to make things right for ourselves. We wanted to share our lives. We wanted to grow together.

Star2046 · November 28, 2020

On 5/17/2018 at 8:44 PM, IkuTube said:

One Year On

Today, more than a year has passed and I still miss him badly. I will always miss him. Fitz is a great loss; there is something inside me that dies with his passing. It breaks my heart to lose him. The reality that he is no longer here will always cause me pain. All that I can offer, from the day God took him home, is my prayer that he rests in peace forever. Fitz is now a memory and it is a very treasured memory to live by.

Today, I learn that saying goodbye is also teaching me to grow. Every ending is another beginning. I learn to count on my blessings. My life story with Fitz is one great blessing. I have had a beautiful life.

Today, I learn to live in the present and there is no other happier and peaceful way I can live but to be in that presence.

Fitz, you will always be remembered. You will be forever missed. While you were here, you touched the hearts of all who knew you. Time will pass but all the memories of you will stay in our hearts. In my heart. They are forever treasured.

I love you and will always love you.

Hugs

IkuTube · November 28, 2020

How Did I Survive The 31 Good Years
Part Three

Setting Up Rules

While "all men are created equal" (Thomas Jefferson), not all men could create the same success. Every person had a story to tell. Every person went through unique forms of experiences and traumas. Every person lived with some traits of idiosyncrasies. Every person cultivated his own values, his own morals and his own principles. Every person had his own particular sets of strengths and weaknesses too. Every Man had always been perfectly imperfect (including me too).

While falling in love was the easy part, the next challenge was how to maintain it. All relationship would go through some upheavals. It was the natural process of Life and no one was spared. There would always be some imbalances and shortcomings. Fitz and I made sure that we worked through them. We made sure that we could compromise and harmonized the up-and-down. We did not want to give up easily with what we had and on what we wanted. We strived hard to balance and bridged our differences.

Fitz and I could be hard headed. Obviously, there were differences between us. When we started our relationship, we came from different background. We had our own schools of beliefs, customs, thought-forms and values. We grew up more than twenty years ingrained with our own morals, principles and values. We needed to accept each other with all the flaws. We must not judge but endeavoured to make each other to become a better person instead.

In our early years, we would argue even on the simplest petty stuff, like 'what shall we eat today?'. We would say phrase liked 'up to you' to compromise to avoid antagonism. Each one of us would keep the silence when we argued so as to keep the peace. Yet, all these pretentious would not strike for balance. What we did was to temporarily make peace without good closure. We might only lessen the pain but the root of the problems was not resolved.

Life had its ways to make us to realize. To me, it was Love that made us to appreciate what we had. It was Love that inspired us to pursue our goals, our dreams. We realized that we had our differences and we needed to talk about them, even the unimportant ones. We needed to talk about our values, our morals and our principles - What was important to me and what was important to him? We needed to bridge and to close any gaps on our differences.

We needed to honour that we loved each other. We did not want to waste what we had shared thus far. It was not worth it to let things to turn bad, between us, over trivial matters. Every time Love put tests between us, we reminded each other on our choices and of our dreams.

We started to set up rules. The objectives were so that we could be happier and we could live our lives more meaningfully. That, at the end of our lives, we cherished every moments with joy and gratitude. We were sure that these rules could lead, encourage and motivate us towards seeking continuous improvements in our relationship. The end result was to live lives to the fullest because we loved each other too much.

The one thing that we agreed to do immediately was to talk about anything and everything, even the inconsequential ones. We did that at the end of our day, over dinner. Each one of us took our turns to share. We agreed that we must end the day so we knew about our well being. The more we shared, the closer we became. The more we shared, our love defined us. It gave us character and constituted what we wanted for each other. We were no longer making assumptions but comprehended each other at higher levels.

We banned the words 'anything', 'whatever' and 'up to you' in our all our conversation and communication. To us, these words created more tension between us. There was no clear and definite intention, whenever it was used. We imposed penalty and fined $10 for verbalizing those words.

Should we have argument, we had to resolve it on the same day. We were not to drag it out onto another day. We agreed that anger, or any displeasure between us, made us to feel miserable. We hated that feeling between us. We wanted to snap out of it asap. We realized misery would not do us good emotionally and spiritually in our relationship.

Those days, when we were not staying together, we had to find a place to talk things over. We could not leave until we talked about the problem. We agreed not to sweep our differences under the carpet. We realized, to hide a problem or even trying to forget about it, would not do us good. We wanted to make sure that we departed with happy feelings and not boiled with anger.

When we bought a property (in our second year) and lived together, any argument must end before bedtime. If it was not resolved, there was no sleep. We wanted, by the time we laid on the bed, to be able to hold each other's hands.

(I am very much thankful, up to this day, for all those Divine miracles that made my journey with Fitz a wonderful one. For all those divine inspirations that were showered on us to do the right things by us and for us.)

IkuTube · December 8, 2020

How Did I Survive The 31 Good Years
Part Four

Intimacy And Interdependency

"Must the two of you always have to hug each other before going out?"
"Why must the two of you always have to hold each other's hand?"
These were questions whom our good fag-hag friends would ask. They noticed these actions while we were holidaying together, very often when all of us stayed in a service apartment or hotels with connecting rooms. Soon enough, they accepted them as much as they had been accepting about us all these years.

Hugging had always been something that Fitz and I would do. We hugged before leaving the house, either for work or just going out, all the time. And, we hugged when we got home. With every hugs, we would kiss each other too. These actions made us to feel connected. They bonded us. They made us to feel good every time. We did these actions even when we were moody with each other.

It was a habit that had become us. We got ourselves ingrained acting them, consciously and unconsciously. Interestingly, they became major parts of us and continued all throughout our 31 good years together. We would hug tight for a good two to three minutes and we constantly said 'I love you' while hugging.

When we were out in public together, we would always be close to each other. We always walked side by side. We sat so closely, on the bus or the train, and there would be some part of us that brushed each other - either our arms or our legs. In the car or taxi, or even on board the plane, we would hold hands. At home, we would hold each other's hand when watching TV, in our bedroom, on our bed.

Fitz and I wanted to put our emotional needs in meaningful ways. The hugging, the kissing and the touching became our safe haven. These actions placed us with a feeling of 'you-are-not-alone' in the relationship. These actions gave us security. They made us to become approachable with each other. They made way for us to be engaging and responding to each other closely. They made us to cherish our ways of lives.

We valued the close connection - the interdependence - for these actions allowed us to create bonds and the true feelings of interconnectedness. At the same time, the interdependence placed a deep emotional understanding and respect between us. It made us to share a solid sense of Self within. In somewhat good ways, it bridged our needs in meaningful ways. Somehow, these actions created a strong value of attachment without any needs to compromise on our values system.

Our feelings for interdependence, with these actions of intimacy, had nothing to do with co-dependency. These actions were done purposely right from the beginning of our relationship, when we started to stay together. We reminded each other consistently not to forget to do them. We wanted to establish, and maintained, the feelings of togetherness. We wanted them to be done so that we could be mindful of each other.

When Fitz was on his deathbed at the hospital, he constantly asked for me to hold him. He would ask for my hand in front of the nurses, his oncologist, our family members and our friends. It gave him the strength when he was actually very weak. Perhaps, it gave him the peace too.

I believed it was these actions that made us to stay true and to keep to be in love with each other. To stay open with clear communication between us. These touches that we gave each other every day set the tone to make the relationship healthy.

IkuTube · February 6, 2021

End Of The Road

On this day, exactly four years ago, I faced my biggest challenge. Life forced me to face my fears head on. I was at the T-junction where either left or right turn spiked with apprehension.

At the same instant, the door for self realization opened wide. It was the day to build my courage and strength. It was the day to be on my own, to take charge and be independent. It was the day, I relied on faith and surrendered with God's love.

It was the day that I experienced great support too. How human touch came when I needed it most. To all the loving individuals, family and friends, who walked with me during those difficult time, I will always remember your loving deeds. "Thank you and God bless!"

On that day, I learned what death can teach me.

From that day, pains remind me that I am alive. That, trying reminds me that I have hope. And, mistakes remind me that I am still human.

From a spiritual perspective, death is not death at all. It is only the physical that dies. Death is a natural part of life. Death is a beautiful thing. It is a celebration of life for those who leave this world. It is the coming home to God, where true love resides. It is the birth from this world into the next.

Death is the final and greatest blessing of earthly life. It is where the humans' labours finally come to fruition in the eternal life and into the joy of heaven.

Although death brings pain to those left behind, I will be happier to think that death provides (to those who have departed) more opportunities to continue toward God. The pain of grief is a human feeling. Grief is a guilt feeling.

Death teaches me to live lives with love. Love is the greatest gift of life and I have to grab hold of it. I have to expand it in all ways. Like a saying goes, "We meet but briefly in life, if we touch each other with stardust, that is everything". And, let the stardust be Love.

Today, with love, I humbly ask for God to forgive those who have departed be cleansed, purified and released to the path of pure light. That they are no longer earthbound as I release them to the path of light as they release me.

I love you. I am sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.

IkuTube · February 6, 2021

Sharing this beautiful poem. Hopefully, it gives comfort to those who need it.

Death Is Nothing At All
By Henry Scott-Holland

Death is nothing at all.
It does not count.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
Nothing has happened.

Everything remains exactly as it was.
I am I, and you are you,
and the old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged.
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.

Call me by the old familiar name.
Speak of me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes that we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.
Let it be spoken without an effort, without the ghost of a shadow upon it.

Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was.
There is absolute and unbroken continuity.
What is this death but a negligible accident?

Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am but waiting for you, for an interval,
somewhere very near,
just round the corner.

All is well.
Nothing is hurt; nothing is lost.
One brief moment and all will be as it was before.
How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!

Steve5380 · February 13, 2021

On 2/6/2021 at 1:57 AM, IkuTube said:

End Of The Road

On this day, exactly four years ago, I faced my biggest challenge. Life forced me to face my fears head on. I was at the T-junction where either left or right turn spiked with apprehension.

At the same instant, the door for self realization opened wide. It was the day to build my courage and strength. It was the day to be on my own, to take charge and be independent. It was the day, I relied on faith and surrendered with God's love.

It was the day that I experienced great support too. How human touch came when I needed it most. To all the loving individuals, family and friends, who walked with me during those difficult time, I will always remember your loving deeds. "Thank you and God bless!"

On that day, I learned what death can teach me.

From that day, pains remind me that I am alive. That, trying reminds me that I have hope. And, mistakes remind me that I am still human.

From a spiritual perspective, death is not death at all. It is only the physical that dies. Death is a natural part of life. Death is a beautiful thing. It is a celebration of life for those who leave this world. It is the coming home to God, where true love resides. It is the birth from this world into the next.

Death is the final and greatest blessing of earthly life. It is where the humans' labours finally come to fruition in the eternal life and into the joy of heaven.

Although death brings pain to those left behind, I will be happier to think that death provides (to those who have departed) more opportunities to continue toward God. The pain of grief is a human feeling. Grief is a guilt feeling.

Death teaches me to live lives with love. Love is the greatest gift of life and I have to grab hold of it. I have to expand it in all ways. Like a saying goes, "We meet but briefly in life, if we touch each other with stardust, that is everything". And, let the stardust be Love.

Today, with love, I humbly ask for God to forgive those who have departed be cleansed, purified and released to the path of pure light. That they are no longer earthbound as I release them to the path of light as they release me.

I love you. I am sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.

Today, at my usual grocery store, one of the attendants came to me and asked: "where is your friend, I have not seen him in a long time". To which I replied: "he passed away two and a half years ago", and he said: "I am sorry". Under my mask he could not see how emotional I had become, and back home I'm still this way.

My feelings for M will never, ever change. I can rationalize that death is just a transition, that the person still exists but now is in peace. I even have concluded that M is in my heart. But my feelings don't buy rationalizations, they keep hurting like hell. Which makes me think: if death is a natural transition of life and not the end of all what we have cultivated and strived for in life like a power switch turned off,... then what can make sense in this pain of mourning?

I perfectly understand why M wanted to leave first, and I should think that his death was a relief to him from his long illness. But I firmly believe that he deserved to recover from his illness and live again in happiness and comfort. Although in reality... for what? to make me feel better? having to experience this pandemic we all are going through? And this political climate, unemployment, economic hardship in America? Maybe I am being selfish!

Nothing has changed me as much as the death of my bf. It is not pure loss but a transformation. Now more than ever I need to keep cultivating my happiness and my humble acceptance of ignorance about life. And acceptance of being completely irrelevant except for myself and a couple of people around me. This should be sufficient.

IkuTube · February 17, 2021

On 2/14/2021 at 12:27 AM, Steve5380 said:

Nothing has changed me as much as the death of my bf. It is not pure loss but a transformation. Now more than ever I need to keep cultivating my happiness and my humble acceptance of ignorance about life. And acceptance of being completely irrelevant except for myself and a couple of people around me. This should be sufficient.

Thank you for sharing, @Steve5380.

The missing you and grief will not leave us. That is the reality. But that does not mean that life has to be at a standstill.

A death of a loved one is a reminder to those left behind. Glad that you are accepting it to be 'a transformation' for yourself. That, in itself, is empowering for you to continue to move forward.

Don't look back and analyse too much. Too much analysing is paralyzing. M is in a good place today and you have to think it that way.

Perhaps, the lesson to learn here is about us letting go. Letting Go, such an easy word but it is the toughest task for many humans.

Sign In

The Good 31 Years

Recommended Posts

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Top Posters In This Topic

Popular Days

Top Posters In This Topic

Popular Days

Popular Posts

IkuTube

IkuTube

IkuTube

Posted Images

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites