The Good 31 Years

[Steve5380]

11 hours ago, IkuTube said:

 

Thank you for sharing, @Steve5380.

 

The missing you and grief will not leave us.  That is the reality.  But that does not mean that life has to be at a standstill.

 

A death of a loved one is a reminder to those left behind.  Glad that you are accepting it to be 'a transformation' for yourself.  That, in itself, is empowering for you to continue to move forward.

 

Don't look back and analyse too much.  Too much analysing is paralyzing.  M is in a good place today and you have to think it that way.

 

Perhaps, the lesson to learn here is about us letting go.  Letting Go, such an easy word but it is the toughest task for many humans.

 

 

 

Thank you Iku for your kind and wise words.

 

You made me aware that I should not analyse so much.   Instead, I now will put attention in letting go.  Thanks!

[IkuTube]

Life After Fitz

(In loving memory of my departed sister, relatives and friends)

(May all the soul rest in eternal peace)

 

Every death that I come into contact with brings about a bout of sadness.  The death of another friend or a relative, for example, triggers my internal emotion.  Sometimes, the sadness takes me few days to recover.

 

It jolts the memories on the days after I lost Fitz.  It reminds me on the days where my feelings were numbed (mostly during the wake).  It brings back my lost feeling where I was not getting into the reality that I had just lost someone very dear.

 

I do not feel sad per se to those who have departed.  It is, through my spiritual belief, that death is a beautiful occasion.  Death ends all the earthly sufferings.  This is strictly my personal belief.

 

But, I feel sad for those who are left behind.  I feel their sorrow, their remorse, their pain.  I envision on their days to move forward and how they will cope with the loss.  Their loss reminds me how important to have someone around, to provide the comfort and support to move on.  From my personal experience, it eases the grief.

 

The loss reminds me to treasure life.  The grief is to teach us to appreciate love and to be thankful constantly.  It sensitizes me on the reality, the hard truth, on how thinly fragile life can be. 

 

It nudges me to be a (better) human, to be kind and be good.  It inspires me to create for more good memories.  These memories help to cope on the process of grieving a loved one.

 

I wish I can do more to alleviate on their heaviness of heart.  I wish I have the wisdom to say the right things.  I wish I have the magic wand to mend their broken hearts.  I want to be more empathetic and not just to provide the listening ear.

 

I have accepted that grief has no end date and it is something that I am still experiencing to this day.  Personally, so long I am alive and as long my works on Earth are not finished, I will continue to miss Fitz dearly. 

 

Surely, the same sentiment goes to those who have had lost their loved ones too.  My love, my prayers and my spirit go out to them.

 

Grief stays as long as a person lives.  Unhesitatingly, it changes things around.  We have to be mindful not to feel bitter from a loss.  It is important to accept death as a natural thing; that we will eventually lose someone regardless.

 

I learn that death is not the greatest loss in life.  The greatest loss is what dies inside of a person while he/she lives.  This awareness makes a lot of difference to continue to live a quality life.

 

To live a quality life has become more important to me.  I have to make my life meaningful every day.  It will be my way to make life right for and by me - with air of joy and peace.  It is intended to provide the peace, to those I love and care, with my demise.

 

I have to live with hope and to let hope be the one that dies last.

 

 

 

 

[auscent]

As the Queen said: Grief, is the price we pay for love.

[Steve5380]

On 9/26/2023 at 10:19 AM, IkuTube said:

Life After Fitz

(In loving memory of my departed sister, relatives and friends)

(May all the soul rest in eternal peace)

 

Every death that I come into contact with brings about a bout of sadness.  The death of another friend or a relative, for example, triggers my internal emotion.  Sometimes, the sadness takes me few days to recover.

 

It jolts the memories on the days after I lost Fitz.  It reminds me on the days where my feelings were numbed (mostly during the wake).  It brings back my lost feeling where I was not getting into the reality that I had just lost someone very dear.

 

I do not feel sad per se to those who have departed.  It is, through my spiritual belief, that death is a beautiful occasion.  Death ends all the earthly sufferings.  This is strictly my personal belief.

 

But, I feel sad for those who are left behind.  I feel their sorrow, their remorse, their pain.  I envision on their days to move forward and how they will cope with the loss.  Their loss reminds me how important to have someone around, to provide the comfort and support to move on.  From my personal experience, it eases the grief.

 

The loss reminds me to treasure life.  The grief is to teach us to appreciate love and to be thankful constantly.  It sensitizes me on the reality, the hard truth, on how thinly fragile life can be. 

 

It nudges me to be a (better) human, to be kind and be good.  It inspires me to create for more good memories.  These memories help to cope on the process of grieving a loved one.

 

I wish I can do more to alleviate on their heaviness of heart.  I wish I have the wisdom to say the right things.  I wish I have the magic wand to mend their broken hearts.  I want to be more empathetic and not just to provide the listening ear.

 

I have accepted that grief has no end date and it is something that I am still experiencing to this day.  Personally, so long I am alive and as long my works on Earth are not finished, I will continue to miss Fitz dearly. 

 

Surely, the same sentiment goes to those who have had lost their loved ones too.  My love, my prayers and my spirit go out to them.

 

Grief stays as long as a person lives.  Unhesitatingly, it changes things around.  We have to be mindful not to feel bitter from a loss.  It is important to accept death as a natural thing; that we will eventually lose someone regardless.

 

I learn that death is not the greatest loss in life.  The greatest loss is what dies inside of a person while he/she lives.  This awareness makes a lot of difference to continue to live a quality life.

 

To live a quality life has become more important to me.  I have to make my life meaningful every day.  It will be my way to make life right for and by me - with air of joy and peace.  It is intended to provide the peace, to those I love and care, with my demise.

 

I have to live with hope and to let hope be the one that dies last.

 

 

 

 

 

Your post I could have written too,  not as good but reflecting the same feelings.   I lost my bf M five years ago (where have these years gone?) after 21 years together,  and it feels still like it was yesterday.  But a transformation in me has taken place.  Not only the 21 years with M changed me from the unemotional person I was then, to a more social, spiritual and full of empathy guy I am now,  but I continue to get more emotional and place feelings ahead of reason. I could attribute this also to advancing age,  but I think that it was the passing of M that was the catalyst.  A long time agnostic, I am now more willing to speculate about the supernatural, and I imagine M being now my guardian angel.  And so I have to keep clean my moral values to match the presence of the angel M. 

 

I am convinced that an experience like we have had, although undesirable for the suffering that comes with it,  is a strong stimulation of personal growth.  It could be nearly essential for a life that reaches a complete full circle. No matter what happens after life, the objective of this life has been completely fulfilled. 

 

On the negative side, this experience raises one's sensitivity to the evils of the world.  In the last days I have felt devastated by the events in the Middle East.  Seeing the victimization is nearly too much for me, and I have stopped watching the news for this reason,  choosing instead to listen to classical music. Of course I keep informed of the situation, wondering what will it lead to.  My older sister,  now 84 y.o.,  tells me that she has lived long enough but wants to still stay around for a long time " out of optimistic curiosity to see what the future will be ".   I nearly feel that I don't want to stay around much longer so that I won't have to experience much of the future.   But of course these feelings are temporary and I will return fully to my blessed fulfilling life.  And I am also still an optimist.

[IkuTube]

11 hours ago, Steve5380 said:

 

Your post I could have written too,  not as good but reflecting the same feelings.   I lost my bf M five years ago (where have these years gone?) after 21 years together,  and it feels still like it was yesterday.  But a transformation in me has taken place.  Not only the 21 years with M changed me from the unemotional person I was then, to a more social, spiritual and full of empathy guy I am now,  but I continue to get more emotional and place feelings ahead of reason. I could attribute this also to advancing age,  but I think that it was the passing of M that was the catalyst.  A long time agnostic, I am now more willing to speculate about the supernatural, and I imagine M being now my guardian angel.  And so I have to keep clean my moral values to match the presence of the angel M. 

 

I am convinced that an experience like we have had, although undesirable for the suffering that comes with it,  is a strong stimulation of personal growth.  It could be nearly essential for a life that reaches a complete full circle. No matter what happens after life, the objective of this life has been completely fulfilled. 

 

On the negative side, this experience raises one's sensitivity to the evils of the world.  In the last days I have felt devastated by the events in the Middle East.  Seeing the victimization is nearly too much for me, and I have stopped watching the news for this reason,  choosing instead to listen to classical music. Of course I keep informed of the situation, wondering what will it lead to.  My older sister,  now 84 y.o.,  tells me that she has lived long enough but wants to still stay around for a long time " out of optimistic curiosity to see what the future will be ".   I nearly feel that I don't want to stay around much longer so that I won't have to experience much of the future.   But of course these feelings are temporary and I will return fully to my blessed fulfilling life.  And I am also still an optimist.

 

Grief should not be a catalyst to turn ‘this experience raises one’s sensitivity to the evils of the world’.  While everything in life is interconnected, we must learn to separate the feelings.  Doing so will not drag us into the critical mass.

 

What is outside is outside.  The feelings of (example) alienation, anger or irritation that we might experience from the outside environment are only the reflection of what within us.  Life is a mirror.  When we recognize these feelings within us and we work to resolve them, everything that is happening outside will not bother us much.

 

Yes, we may feel sorry, we may feel sad – and I am not implying with what is happening with the world right now.  But ask ourselves, ‘what can we do?’ to stop ‘the evils of the world’.  The action to plainly criticizing / negatively commenting / condemning the outside is not the right way to make the right thing inside us.

 

Often I tell myself, if I cannot do much, it is better that I stay quiet.  I like this quote - "Action without thought is dangerous; thought without action is useless".

 

To be happier, our minds have to start with the premise of ‘not knowing’.  When the mind is in the ‘not knowing’ mode, it sets us free.  Very likely, everything that will happen will return to its natural rhythm.  Life will, in itself, guides us to where we are meant to go, meant to do.

 

Life is constantly adapting to our environment.  We have so much to learn if only we look.

 

Recently, on Status Updates, @MikeC wrote these following phrases.  I find them very casual, very simple yet very profound.  They call to ponder, to think deep.  He wrote:

 

I wonder which is harder:

making peace with yourself or

making peace with someone you have wronged or

making peace with someone who has wronged you.

 

Like you @Steve5380, I understand with this sentiment - “I don't want to stay around much longer so that I won't have to experience much of the future”.  It could be a feeling of emptiness within us with the loss.  It could be the part in us that died too.

 

But, I am a believer of life and I believe God has planned for my existence.  It is because of Him that I am here.  And, it shall be Him to decide to take me at His right time.  Meanwhile, all I ask for, is to lead a meaningful peaceful life.

 

Thank you for writing here.

 

 

 

[Steve5380]

Thank you @IkuTube for your wise words of advice.  

 

I recognize my need for such advice to avoid "useless thought without action".  This comes from some negative pride of knowing solutions for situations I want to be resolved, coupled with some desire to do good. But I have little power to do such good.  I will ponder more on "making peace",  and so becoming less vocal.

 

I recognize in this attitude a state that is sought in Buddhism:  detachment.  This should be increasingly the right state for me,  since at this stage in life my role for action is naturally diminishing.  And if it does not diminish, I should limit it to internal action.  So I will reflect on this and relegate external action for opportunities that call for it,  if they happen at all.

 

One detail remains:  if the benefit of detachment becomes prevalent...  who will actively take care of the order in the world?   It seems that we can enjoy our life of peace only because there are others who are willing to take action.   But then, it is not necessary to have this constantly in mind and instead choose to "not know".  I find a similar solution to the uncertainties of life in accepting and welcoming one's "total ignorance".

 

 

[IkuTube]

14 hours ago, Steve5380 said:

Thank you @IkuTube for your wise words of advice.  

 

I recognize my need for such advice to avoid "useless thought without action".  This comes from some negative pride of knowing solutions for situations I want to be resolved, coupled with some desire to do good. But I have little power to do such good.  I will ponder more on "making peace",  and so becoming less vocal.

 

I recognize in this attitude a state that is sought in Buddhism:  detachment.  This should be increasingly the right state for me,  since at this stage in life my role for action is naturally diminishing.  And if it does not diminish, I should limit it to internal action.  So I will reflect on this and relegate external action for opportunities that call for it,  if they happen at all.

 

One detail remains:  if the benefit of detachment becomes prevalent...  who will actively take care of the order in the world?   It seems that we can enjoy our life of peace only because there are others who are willing to take action.   But then, it is not necessary to have this constantly in mind and instead choose to "not know".  I find a similar solution to the uncertainties of life in accepting and welcoming one's "total ignorance".

 

 

 

Everything there is, here on Earth, has its own place.  Life is not an accident.  It exists for far greater reason, far beyond our comprehension.  It would be unwise to acquire all the answers.  Our human brain is not fully capable to grasp the multiverse aspects to Life. 

 

As an ordinary human, our task is simple.  We have to make it simple and live in simplicity.  Any tendency to complicate situation is usually the works of our ego.

 

We only need to help ourselves first.  Once we have fulfilled that duty, only after we recognize our responsibilities that we reach out to the persons next to us, left and right.  When doing so, we have to give it with the same amount of love and attention.

To recognize our potential is important.  To push it too far can be unwise.  To bulldoze our intellectual critical minds, and unconsciously impose them onto others, can be an act of the ego that may not benefit humankind.

 

Yes, it satisfies our ego but are we doing it to prove the ego is right?

You asked, ‘who will actively take care of the order in the world?’.

We need to know that many of us – as much we have important roles each – we are just a tiny tiny speck in the big universal equation.  There are others who have been gifted to do the bigger things.  They have their roles made for the purpose to do so.

 

We do not have to be disrespectful of their roles.  We should not envy them but to pray that they provide for the best.  We have to accept that is how life has been, that there will always be leaders and there will always be followers.  Whatever the roles we are in, we are both teachers and students.  We learn from each other.

At the same time, these big personas have bigger karma too.  At the same time, and this is just my personal belief, their merits are compensated too. 

 

Not all humans are tasked for the bigger roles.  However, we can do the ‘bigger roles’ for a smaller group – example, for our family members, for a community.

Should we want to do the big thing, show it with action.  Talk itself is useless.  However,

- we need to hear our voices within – are they coming from empathy and compassion?  Are they words of love from love?  Or they are words of love from a negative mindset?

- we need to understand where our opinions come from – are they from a trauma or a beautiful life experience?

 

At the end of the day, how much self awareness do we have about ourselves?  At the end of the day, do we have the higher consciousness to know what is right from wrong, or from wrong to right?

Personally, it is fine and good that I am in ‘total ignorance’ as it does not disturb the silent peace within me.  I love these beautiful sayings:

“I must have the vision to see my potential and faith to believe what I see.  The courage to act with convictions, to become what God meant me to be.”

 

Confucius, the Chinese philosopher once said, "“Don’t complain about the snow on your neighbor’s roof, when your own doorstep is unclean.”

 

Stay happy, stay safe and stay healthy @Steve5380.

 

 

 

[Steve5380]

Thank you again @IkuTube for your wise words, valuable advice and good wishes. 

 

I feel that this conversation is the most transcendental and relevant I ever had in this Forum.

 

Like you, I recognize our limitations.  To expect that our minds could ever find answers to the fundamental existential questions is like to expect that the fishes in a fish bowl in a windowless room could ever gain knowledge of our planetary system.  And you go one step further in recognizing that engaging in speculations about these existential issues is no different from any other wasteful addiction that gives satisfaction.  I will give this a good thought.

 

I like the pictures of your home you posted in another thread.  I think they go well with your persona, showing competence, practicality, elegance, peacefulness.  And even interesting functionality, like the ability to watch gay porn on three computer screens simultaneously, ha ha!