Discussion : Closeted / Discreet gay man + Where to Find friends? (compiled) [ No Ads Allowed ]

[Guest Guest]

11 hours ago, firefight said:

need to find those with common activity and not clingy =D

 

usually is sports mate, games mate or travel mate. 

Even have common activity, some people also would first look at appearance before continuing friendship.

[firefight]

13 hours ago, Guest Guest said:

Even have common activity, some people also would first look at appearance before continuing friendship.

Yes of course. But is how you carry yourself and how you make the activity enjoyable. :)

[Guest Old Timer]

Nowadays, porn and sex are so readily available, gays prefer the buffet instead of home cooked meals.

They don't even want to waste time to get to know someone. If nice looking, ask for fun, "I would like to see your private media" like choosing meat from the market.

If no response or time waster, NEXT! There are literally 100s to choose from so many apps.

 

[Guest Cynical]

Never believe anyone when they say they're using Grindr to "just look/chat around", or/and "make friends". It's stupidly ridiculous. It's like saying you're at Geylang every day just to make friends/hangout with the hookers. 

 

How stupid do you have to be to believe this?

[Nipoet]

On 11/27/2018 at 12:07 AM, Guest conflicted said:

Hi guys. 21yo undergrad here.

 

I've more or less come to terms with my sexuality, but have held off on coming out to my family and friends. My family is of the usual conservative, Chinese type, where they believe in the whole marriage and kids thing. We don't usually discuss LGBTQ issues/people, but in the few times that it does come up, they're quite vocal about their disgust. The friends I hang out with are (weirdly enough) either devout christians, or from similar conservative asian families and share their values. So I don't feel very safe coming out, not at this juncture in my life anyway. 

 

I don't have any gay friends, and my university's queer groups are not an option, because from what I can tell, they're mostly loud and "visible" people, and the fear of getting outed is very real. My question is, where can I start looking for friends (preferably equally closeted haha) as a closeted gay student? 

 

Any advice from people who have been in these situations before would be greatly appreciated

 

I was also extremely closeted and had zero gay friends when i was younger.

I first started with websites, though. Trevvy/SGboy was my first.  That was where I knew my first stead. xD

Apps are good for hookups, usually. For me, Blued seems to be better for looking for friends other than sex.

But if you're really only into friends, chat groups are the way to go!

Look for similar interest/same locations ones. I suggest the Line/Telegram topics. Join one and start chatting around. Sieve out those that keep asking for sex, and those that are genuinely looking for friends. If they have group outings, join! This would be your chance to see those people face-to-face, and interact in real time. 

I've only been to a BBQ and a Kareoke session, though. But they were quite eye-openers for me.  And since I'm the one who booked the chalet, I have to be there ANYWAY. xD

 

For me, my introversion exacerbated my closeted-ness, thus my friend-making journey was that much harder. If you're not as introverted as me, it should go much easier on you.

You're young! Go explore the world, and the people in it. If it's not to your liking, just move on!

 

Good luck!

[SensualMassage_T]

You couldn’t find because they are closet hahaha 

[Guest Gravity Pull]

On 11/28/2018 at 9:15 AM, iwannac said:

Since the friends I have right now are all a "good fit" with me to begin with, as we naturally gravitated to each other at the start of our friendship.

I find that there's something very artificial with "making friends" using these apps - in the sense whereby you meet them, and you don't gel in any way besides the fact that you like dick, but you're stuck with them for the time being since time and effort was spent on making the situation happen. In the end, you go back home questioning whether did you actually have a good time with the person/people?

I feel the different platforms open up more common space and make it easier to 'meet' new people. As to making friends, it still boils down to having something in common that effortlessly pulls everyone together. That's still the key for knitting a fabric of long-term relationship.

[Guest guest]

On 12/10/2018 at 7:00 PM, firefight said:

You have to find the right time as the regulars come in at different times. We chat a variety of topics.

Regulars in chatroom? Already have a clique among them?

[firefight]

Not really cliques but people who know each others' pattern.

[Guest guest]

Pattern more than badminton?

[G_M]

12 hours ago, Zackling said:

hey, 40 158 95 chn hairy guy bi chub discreet & divorce is seeking for platonic friendship & networking. I am NOT LOOKING for hookups / ONS. so those who are keen in such pure platonic & non sexual friendship may pm me. i am staying in yishun area.

 

You should know better than to post ad in the Main forum.

 

This will be your 2nd Warning point. 

[charvo87]

On 11/27/2018 at 12:07 AM, Guest conflicted said:

Hi guys. 21yo undergrad here.

 

I've more or less come to terms with my sexuality, but have held off on coming out to my family and friends. My family is of the usual conservative, Chinese type, where they believe in the whole marriage and kids thing. We don't usually discuss LGBTQ issues/people, but in the few times that it does come up, they're quite vocal about their disgust. The friends I hang out with are (weirdly enough) either devout christians, or from similar conservative asian families and share their values. So I don't feel very safe coming out, not at this juncture in my life anyway. 

 

I don't have any gay friends, and my university's queer groups are not an option, because from what I can tell, they're mostly loud and "visible" people, and the fear of getting outed is very real. My question is, where can I start looking for friends (preferably equally closeted haha) as a closeted gay student? 

 

Any advice from people who have been in these situations before would be greatly appreciated

i feel u. me too.

[yoyo74]

On 12/5/2018 at 1:22 AM, Guest Old Timer said:

Nowadays, porn and sex are so readily available, gays prefer the buffet instead of home cooked meals.

They don't even want to waste time to get to know someone. If nice looking, ask for fun, "I would like to see your private media" like choosing meat from the market.

If no response or time waster, NEXT! There are literally 100s to choose from so many apps.

 

People who see too much porn will be sick of seeing porn one day as everyday its always doing the same thing and people who do sex all day will also gets bored of it one day. Many gay couples i heard from stop doing sex or very less sex when they grow older. There is still lots of gay guys who only look out for friendship as no one wants to be lonely.

[yoyo74]

On 12/9/2018 at 12:42 AM, Guest Cynical said:

Never believe anyone when they say they're using Grindr to "just look/chat around", or/and "make friends". It's stupidly ridiculous. It's like saying you're at Geylang every day just to make friends/hangout with the hookers. 

 

How stupid do you have to be to believe this?

For those who likes to make lots of gay friends will also browse through grindr as its a natural gay instinct to check out cute and hot guys just like how straight guys check out on girls daily.

[Guest best guess]

my guess would be that you find closeted guys in any cruisy closet....

[Guest Link]

My better guess is he has continued being single and xenophobic.

[doncoin]

On 12/12/2018 at 8:45 PM, Guest best guess said:

my guess would be that you find closeted guys in any cruisy closet....

 

 

Ha ha! I was thinking Ikea, in the closet section.

[Guest Guest]

On 11/27/2018 at 12:07 AM, Guest conflicted said:

Hi guys. 21yo undergrad here.

 

I've more or less come to terms with my sexuality, but have held off on coming out to my family and friends. My family is of the usual conservative, Chinese type, where they believe in the whole marriage and kids thing. We don't usually discuss LGBTQ issues/people, but in the few times that it does come up, they're quite vocal about their disgust. The friends I hang out with are (weirdly enough) either devout christians, or from similar conservative asian families and share their values. So I don't feel very safe coming out, not at this juncture in my life anyway. 

 

I don't have any gay friends, and my university's queer groups are not an option, because from what I can tell, they're mostly loud and "visible" people, and the fear of getting outed is very real. My question is, where can I start looking for friends (preferably equally closeted haha) as a closeted gay student? 

 

Any advice from people who have been in these situations before would be greatly appreciated

Go ikea..lots of closets there.

[Guest Suggest]

I think maybe be close friends with girls first and be open about yourself to them. Chances are they are more accepting towards gay people and maybe they can introduce other gay friends that they have etc.

[Guest Guest]

2 hours ago, Guest Suggest said:

I think maybe be close friends with girls first and be open about yourself to them. Chances are they are more accepting towards gay people and maybe they can introduce other gay friends that they have etc.

Please do not lead ts into this trap! You think women can be close friends? Once they know ts is gay, claws will come out as women view gays as competition in snagging a man!

 

1st, these women will only want to he TS friend as they think TS is their ticket to money, once they find out ts is gay, they will be vengefull as they had wasted time on TS and now TS is competing with these women for the attention of straight men! Please avoid making friends with women!

 

Have you not heard? The downfall of men is created by women!

[sman.sg]

On 11/30/2019 at 5:37 AM, gaysluttyme said:

closet ....me like many since many years been closet...still unable to tell gay or str8...tricks to it though.....depends on how to handle situations and temptations not to be outed.

 

from mannerism, aptitudes, dressing to everything, one has to be very apprehensive to accept things around...your actions if too loud, lets the tail of your well being.

 

Look around, how many famous people are gay and closet in their most admirable ways...that's closet.,,,Just like u look at butch lesbians,,,its immediate tell tale signs....

True. unless it's a very conservative family. but attitude amongst friends varies. I too am generally still closet.

[Guest closeted]

With the lock down, is it easier to live your closeted gay life?  Or is it more difficult?

 

Did it help in finding friends as most are curtailed to use social gay apps to keep in touch and venture into the gay world.

Could be more difficult, as you are closer to your parents, siblings and might have the hp, laptop somewhere at people can see what you browse. ha ha

 

How many guys decided to come out of the closet while they had time to think about their situation during the past weeks confined at home?

[tyan]

While there are many who seek for fun only, I believe there are many who also dun mind sincere friendship. For example, I have a few people whom we didn’t even exchange any self pic, we just chat on Line. One of them is a fresh grad and becos both of us are looking for job, we share about what jobs to look for and we also motivate each other. Another one I am chatting now, he has serious crush with someone, I give advise to him bcos I have the similar experience. 

[fab]

Here.

[mijsdlog]

I see this is an old topic so I hope the topic starter has managed to find some PLU friends to hang out with.

While the younger generation seem to be relatively accepting, people here in Singapore still mostly function on a "don't ask don't tell" and certainly "don't display" basis. It is tough especially since people of that age often still live at their parents' place and it can get very depressing when the immediate surroundings are homophobic.

While the person may think he has already come to terms with his sexuality, I think there are only few who have grown up in this society who can truly claim to be free of any internalised homophobia. The system conditions us to think that it is a fault. Tolerance is not the same as acceptance. That's why being able to tap into a network of (hopefully relatively well-adjusted) PLU is necessary validation - that we are all ok and same sex attraction is natural.

I think I was in a similar situation at age 21. It took nearly another decade before I stepped out to explore. Even that was thanks to some old friends who had come out, recognised that I was likely gay as well, and found ways to nudge me out of my shell.

I'm curious as well: are there social groups that someone in his position could join for a start?

Honestly, I don't see them on this site, or maybe I didn't look carefully enough. 

[wilfgene]

13 hours ago, mijsdlog said:

I see this is an old topic so I hope the topic starter has managed to find some PLU friends to hang out with.

While the younger generation seem to be relatively accepting, people here in Singapore still mostly function on a "don't ask don't tell" and certainly "don't display" basis. It is tough especially since people of that age often still live at their parents' place and it can get very depressing when the immediate surroundings are homophobic.

While the person may think he has already come to terms with his sexuality, I think there are only few who have grown up in this society who can truly claim to be free of any internalised homophobia. The system conditions us to think that it is a fault. Tolerance is not the same as acceptance. That's why being able to tap into a network of (hopefully relatively well-adjusted) PLU is necessary validation - that we are all ok and same sex attraction is natural.

I think I was in a similar situation at age 21. It took nearly another decade before I stepped out to explore. Even that was thanks to some old friends who had come out, recognised that I was likely gay as well, and found ways to nudge me out of my shell.

I'm curious as well: are there social groups that someone in his position could join for a start?

Honestly, I don't see them on this site, or maybe I didn't look carefully enough. 

According to an ancient book "Permanent Partners", it is advisable to seek relationship of "substance" in a less sexually-charged environment.

Friends, these days, is an even wider terminology.

[Guest Try and see]

On 11/27/2018 at 12:07 AM, Guest conflicted said:

Hi guys. 21yo undergrad here.

 

I've more or less come to terms with my sexuality, but have held off on coming out to my family and friends. My family is of the usual conservative, Chinese type, where they believe in the whole marriage and kids thing. . .

 

Any advice from people who have been in these situations before would be greatly appreciated

 

Hi Conflicted, your situation, including your family background, sounds so much like me that I feel I am reading a post by my 21-year-old self!  😜

 

Firstly, your era is a lot better than mine as you have this forum, social media and text messaging. When I was 21 it was still the ICQ-pager era  LOL

 

I would say that BW can be a place to meet like-minded gay guys like yourself but you'll need to create an account (so people can inbox you) and be slightly active initially so that other people will notice you.

 

I suspect you are not really the gay bar/sauna/disco type, so don't feel pressured to go to those places if it's not your thing. Just be comfortable and you'll be happier.

 

Lastly, as someone who has been through quite a lot over the years, my two big advice are:

 

i) Don't fall for straight guys, no matter what; &

 

ii) Don't pin all your hopes and happiness on any one guy. You'll risk getting your heart broken very badly should that guy ever cheat on you / migrate / lose interest in you / betray you / die of illness or accident.

 

All the best!!

[Guest Trust your instincts]

A lot of guys who are into the sex-sex-sex lifestyle and a lot of predatory behavior out there (just look at Twitter), but there ARE gay men out there who are decent people. And you will never find them in seedy places like hookup apps, saunas. It just doesn't make sense; decent people won't be at those places in the first place. 

 

So you need to be sensible. 

[Guest judgemental]

23 minutes ago, Guest Trust your instincts said:

A lot of guys who are into the sex-sex-sex lifestyle and a lot of predatory behavior out there (just look at Twitter), but there ARE gay men out there who are decent people. And you will never find them in seedy places like hookup apps, saunas. It just doesn't make sense; decent people won't be at those places in the first place. 

 

So you need to be sensible. 

Usually I did not like to mix religion into the discussion, but he biggest sex predators have been in churches, madrasahs, temples or other places of worship.

And these are decent places.

 

You post is ridiculously silly.

"Seedy" places belong to gay lifestyles because we can't kiss on the street like straight can do or hold hands.

Why do you need to judge a guy who visits a sauna for sexual relief as indecent.

Are you holier than the holy angel?

 

Is there any coffee shop where gays meet in Singapore and can get to know other gays.

 

Please stop judging down on other people.

The straight world is quite sex oriented too nowadays. Sex belongs to life, if you have a problem with it, then crawl inside your shell and don't come out again.

 

To the 21 y undergrad (conflicted): Please don't listen to this silly judgemental guy.

 

There are some apps which offer to look out for friends or partners.

 

 

 

[mijsdlog]

9 hours ago, wilfgene said:

According to an ancient book "Permanent Partners", it is advisable to seek relationship of "substance" in a less sexually-charged environment.

Friends, these days, is an even wider terminology.

Yes, it needs to be an environment where it doesn't all revolve around hooking up (sexually). It's not the sex itself; it's the selfishness and even cruelty that innocent guys get subjected to. People get damaged and bitter. 

[mijsdlog]

8 hours ago, Guest Try and see said:

I would say that BW can be a place to meet like-minded gay guys like yourself but you'll need to create an account (so people can inbox you) and be slightly active initially so that other people will notice you.

Sounds like good advice. 

 

6 hours ago, Guest Trust your instincts said:

A lot of guys who are into the sex-sex-sex lifestyle and a lot of predatory behavior out there (just look at Twitter), but there ARE gay men out there who are decent people. And you will never find them in seedy places like hookup apps, saunas. It just doesn't make sense; decent people won't be at those places in the first place. 

 

So you need to be sensible. 

Wow... equating the use of hookup apps and visiting saunas to indecency? There are decent guys who know how to use these facilities responsibly. There are many ways to have a sex life. Hopefully he gets to meet a variety of people who do things differently so he can decide for himself later. Inevitably he will hit a few bumps along the way. We all do; then we get smarter.

 

 

[LeanMature]

On 5/5/2020 at 5:53 PM, Guest Trust your instincts said:

A lot of guys who are into the sex-sex-sex lifestyle and a lot of predatory behavior out there (just look at Twitter), but there ARE gay men out there who are decent people. And you will never find them in seedy places like hookup apps, saunas. It just doesn't make sense; decent people won't be at those places in the first place. 

 

So you need to be sensible. 

 

Where to find them then ?   You didn't mention public toilet, did you ?

[begleitung]

Pot kettle

[whatamidoinghere88]

I'm a bit shy to share this, i'm a closeted guy. I know that for sure because i admire and fantasize guys and i find it too hard for me to accept that. I also like girls and i had girlfriends. i only had intimate touches with guys and i liked it, im scared i'll be caught by friends if i secretly do dating apps. some friends suspect im gay because they find me good looking but not looking for a girlfriend for couple of years already. are there other guys here who are experiencing this kind of situation like me? how do you satisfy your fantasies? and what are your future plans? Tq

Edited June 17, 2021 by whatamidoinghere88

[adidas]

how is it that your admiration for guys, refusal to accept your sexuality, refusal to date girls, a fantasy? 

[coconut]

On 6/17/2021 at 11:43 AM, whatamidoinghere88 said:

I'm a bit shy to share this, i'm a closeted guy. I know that for sure because i admire and fantasize guys and i find it too hard for me to accept that. I also like girls and i had girlfriends. i only had intimate touches with guys and i liked it, im scared i'll be caught by friends if i secretly do dating apps. some friends suspect im gay because they find me good looking but not looking for a girlfriend for couple of years already. are there other guys here who are experiencing this kind of situation like me? how do you satisfy your fantasies? and what are your future plans? Tq

same here. continue to be discreet and watch BL drama to fill the empty heart.